Cosmic Dance
by picrusher
Summary: One choice.  One secret.  Will change everything.    After a dangerous special operations mission, Doctor Beverly Crusher and Captain Jean-Luc Picard must evaluate the state of their relationship. Post Chain of Command, Part I.  P/C
1. Come Home

**A/N: **I've been working on this for quite some time now and I'm finally getting around to posting. The idea came to me while watching Chain of Command. I'm sure what caught my eye wasn't new to any P/C shipper. On was the look Beverly had on her face when she and Worf returned to the ship from Celtris III and the other was what Madred says about Beverly when speaking to Jean-Luc.

This story will basically follow Chain of Command, Part I up until Jean-Luc is captured…then it goes AU (but I will pull some lines and situations from both parts of the episode). I also mess around with some timeframes, some lines and other facts just to make things fit my idea. This story is mostly character-driven…there's not going to be much excitement in regards to missions, etc.

I haven't read a ton of P/C fanfic but I'm sure stuff like this has been done before. Hopefully my version is a little different. Parts of it gets pretty cliché and even outlandish at times but what can you do, right? Oh and I feel I should warn you there's heavy, heavy, HEAVY angst in this one. If you don't like angst, you probably should steer clear. :)

Also, I made a fake trailer/fanvid for this story…you can view it here: /HIFh5wF8ow0

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Star Trek: The Next Generation nor do I own the characters. But I do like to borrow them from time to time and have a little fun.

…

**Cosmic Dance**

**Chapter 1: Come Home**

"_Everything I can't be; Is everything you should be  
>And that's why I need you here<br>Everything I can't be; Is everything you should be  
>And that's why I need you here<br>So hear this now_

Come home; Come home  
>Cause I've been waiting for you<br>For so long; For so long  
>And right now there's a war between the vanities<br>But all I see is you and me  
>The fight for you is all I've ever known<br>Ever known  
>So come home<br>Come home…"

_~Come Home, OneRepublic_

…

In a small gray room, Beverly Crusher sat on a hard cot and stared at the floor. The cell was damp and cold and her days had been filled with nothing but tedious boredom. There had been no word about Jean-Luc…no information about why she was being held. The not knowing was unnerving. And in her solitude, she was starting to grow restless.

She rose from the thin mattress and began to pace.

In the past few days there had been too much time to think. The questions that edged roughly into her periphery were her constants. They haunted her every second of every day.

_Where was he? Was he hurt? Did he need her? Was he even still alive?_

It always went back to him. He was the one unwavering presence in her life. The charming, but stubborn Starfleet captain with hazel gray eyes and a deep baritone voice. When she closed her eyes she could see his face. His set jaw…his strong nose…the small dimple in his chin.

She dropped down to the bed and rested her head in her hands. As she inhaled deeply she lifted her head and opened her eyes. For a moment she didn't believe what she saw. For a moment she thought it was just another dream. But when she saw him sway and lean against the wall, she felt in her heart it was real. It _had_ to be.

"Jean-Luc!" she cried out.

She stood from her seat quickly, wanting to rush to him. Her heart fluttered as relief rushed through her just at the sight of him. He was alive.

A day ago, though she wouldn't have admitted it, she had almost given up hope that she'd see him again. It had been so long since she'd seen his face or heard his voice. And her captors hadn't said but maybe ten words to her about anything, much less about the well-being of Jean-Luc.

Now he was there, standing just inside the walls of her cold, dark cell. And though every ounce of her being told her it was Jean-Luc, she still needed the physical proof. She needed to touch him, feel his heart beat, hear his breaths.

As she took a step toward him, she stumbled. He immediately ran to her, lifting her in his arms and lowering her to the bed she had just vacated.

"Beverly," he said quietly.

Lifting his hand, he smoothed a piece of her red hair then tucked it behind her ear. His fingers brushed across her cheek then her jaw then her lips. Her sharp intake of breath stopped his movements but he didn't back away. After staring at her mouth for several moments, he turned his gaze to her eyes. He cleared his throat as his lips formed into a thin, tense line.

"Did they hurt you?" he asked in a gravelly voice.

She opened her mouth to utter the simple answer but found she couldn't find her voice. Swallowing past the newly formed lump in her throat, she looked into his eyes and slowly shook her head from side to side. As his arm swayed gently with her movement he stroked her bottom lip with his thumb.

"Are you sure?" he asked, stepping back and running his eyes over her face.

"I'm sure," she finally answered in a whisper.

With her words he collapsed to the ground in pile of limbs, practically weeping over her safety. "Good," he said more to himself than to her.

"Jean-Luc," she breathed as she fell with him, trying to keep him from crashing.

She positioned herself on the floor in front of him and gripped his shoulders. Slowly she ran her hands over his arms to his hands. She briefly gathered them within her own and gave his fingers a quick squeeze. Her hands traveled up the not quite rough material of his tunic. She almost smiled at the fact that its color was close to the dark crimson of the uniform he wore proudly every day. As the tips of her fingers grazed the skin of his chest she stopped her movement. Each of them looked down, growing uneasy with the intimacy of the touch. Jean-Luc cleared his throat then started to stand.

"Have you been here the entire time? Where is Worf?" he asked looking around.

"I have been here the entire time. As for Worf, he escaped. I think. I _hope_."

Jean-Luc frowned as he looked to the door. "It doesn't sound like Mr. Worf to have left you behind especially after you both got out of that room."

Beverly stood slowly. She took a deep breath and stared at her feet.

He recognized the look on her face. "Beverly," he said, his voice holding a whisper of a growl. "What happened?"

"I…I ordered him to go back to the Enterprise."

"You what?"

She took a deep breath and released it slowly. "We were outrunning them…just _barely_ but outrunning them nonetheless. We were almost out. But I had to…I…"

"You came back. For me."

A quick, very guilty smile flashed onto her face as she nodded. "Yes. I came back. For you."

"Why?"

Her eyes shot up to him. She glared at him, crystal blue daggers piercing into him. "Are you seriously asking me that?" she asked incredulously. "I couldn't just _leave_ you here."

She could tell by his blank stare and the way he clenched his jaw what he was thinking. He didn't think his life was worth hers. She rolled her eyes and started pacing. As he watched her move back and forth, he noticed her attire for the first time. She wasn't dressed as she was the last time he saw her and it made his palms start to sweat.

"Beverly?"

"What?" she responded sharply.

"What are you wearing?" he asked, not knowing whether to smile or be embarrassed.

She looked down to her clothing and shrugged. It was similar to the red tunic he wore only hers was black, shorter (_much_ shorter) and had a sash that was tied tightly around her narrow waist. "It was _suggested_ that I change after I first arrived," she said sarcastically.

"Into _that_?"

"Into this." The flat tone in her voice held no amusement and no further information. Once again she rolled her eyes and began to sit down on the bed. "What is wrong with you?"

"It's…uh…it's just very…short," he said with a quick tilt of his head toward her retreating hemline. His eyes had almost fallen out of his head when she sat. The damn thing nearly reached her mid thigh when she was standing. And now that she was sitting…well it didn't leave much to the imagination.

"Oh." She quickly straightened up and pulled at the bottom of the material.

"I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable. I'm just not used to seeing you dressed like that. At least not anymore." His cheeks flushed as his mind recalled the visuals associated with his last comment.

Before they were co-workers…before they were even friends, Beverly Howard was as much an object of Jean-Luc's desire and affection as she was about 95% of Starfleet and the Academy's male population. And so were her legs. It wasn't a secret that Beverly had an amazing pair. Anywhere she went they became or had already become legend. They were a sight to behold.

They still were.

Much to Jean-Luc's dismay, he had not seen them uncovered in a long, long time. A smile tugged at his mouth as he remembered the summers they'd spent together in their younger years. Beverly and Jack had always spent those few months at a beach house in San Francisco. It was a tradition they started after their first year of dating. So as Jack Crusher's best friend, Jean-Luc had accompanied them for a lot of those vacations.

They were always hot…to the point where it was most desirable to wear the least amount of clothing possible. He loved the days filled with their heat and sun and shorts and bikinis. And Beverly.

"Hey," Beverly said softly, touching Jean-Luc's shoulder.

He turned toward her. "Hey," he said back just as soft.

"Where'd you go?"

He laughed and shook his head. She always could read him in an instant. It made hiding from her just that much harder.

"San Francisco." He smiled.

"The summers." A very familiar brightness shined from her eyes, sparking across the dankness of the cell they now inhabited.

"Yes."

"And just what about them were you thinking about, Jean-Luc?"

His entire face from his chin to the top of his head turned a light red. Beverly bit her lip and reached out to run her finger along the outside of his blushing ear. He cleared his throat and thought about stepping away. Just as he'd gathered all his resolve, she looped their arms then slid her fingers through his.

"Jean-Luc? Am I embarrassing you?"

He tensed immediately at the contact. God, the things she could do to him with a simple touch. After a few seconds, he managed to relax then shifted to face her.

"I was…I was just thinking about how sunny it used to get on those beaches. How hot."

"They certainly did," she replied with a humorous inflection in her voice. Her eyes narrowed as she continued to look at him. "But that wouldn't have made you blush like you are," she added mischievously.

A suspicious smirk formed on his lips as he locked his eyes with hers. "You're toying with me."

"At a time like this?" Her voice playfully floated around him as she arched an eyebrow. After he smiled at her, she tugged on his arm and tilted her head toward the bed. "Come on," she said lightly, leading him with a gentle pull. "Sit. You look awful."

He let her lead him back to the rough mattress then sat down hesitantly and released a breath of relief as he felt his muscles loosen. Beverly knelt in front of him and scanned down his body once more, searching for wounds. When her eyes spotted a few rather vicious looking bruises, she reached out to touch them.

"That hurts," Jean-Luc hissed.

"It doesn't look like they did too much damage. Physically." She ran her hands down his arms and wrapped his hands within hers again. Her warm fingers stroked his wrists. Stopping suddenly, she looked down and gasped at the inflamed marks that now stained his skin. "They had you restrained?" she asked, running her fingers over his injuries.

"Yes," he replied, pulling away from her grip, "they did."

"Jean-Luc, let me see," she said, reaching for him.

"There's nothing you can do about them now, Beverly." He absently rubbed at the marks, almost wishing it would cause the redness to disappear.

Her brow furrowed as she watched him. "Does it hurt?"

"Not anymore."

"I'm sorry," she said quickly.

"What for?"

"That they hurt you."

Jean-Luc offered her a weak smile. "I'm just glad you're alright."

"I don't even know why I'm here." She shook her head then stood to pace in front of the bed a few times. "They've barely said a word to me. All they do is throw in some food in every so often. The longest conversation I've had with them is about my attire. Even then it was mostly one sided."

He got up from his seat and stalked to the far end of the cell. His eyes bore into a crack in the cement wall until everything became a dull gray blur. After shaking his head and blinking his eyes multiple times, he lifted his hand and traced the jagged line with his finger.

Beverly watched him, knowing all too well that he was hiding something. "Jean," she said gently. "What's the matter?"

His eyes closed as her warm breath hit his neck. A sigh ripped through him. He couldn't do this. He couldn't tell her why she was taken captive.

"Please," she pleaded, "don't hide from me. Not now."

"Me."

"You?" Beverly reached up and gripped his shoulder. She pulled on it until he was facing her. "You what?"

"I'm the reason you're here."

"Don't blame yourself, Jean-Luc. I willingly and consciously made the decision to come back for you." She smiled and cupped his face. "It's my stupid fault I got caught. I knew I was outnumbered but I just couldn't lea–"

"No, Beverly. They keep you here because of me."

Beverly narrowed her eyes and searched his face for answers. "I don't understand. How would…why would…they didn't even know that I would come back for you. _ I_ didn't even know until we reached that cliff. Something in me screamed that I should return. So if I'm here because of you how did they orchestrate that?" She paused for a few moments then tilted toward him. "Jean-Luc, why are they holding _you_ here?"

Jean-Luc cleared the emotion from his face and voice. "At first he was trying to find out about defense strategies at Minos Korva," he said flatly to the spot he focused on at the end of his nose. "He kept that line of questioning for a while. But then it changed. He…"

She ran her fingers up his chest, coming to an abrupt stop when she found the cut. Her eyes widened as a gasp slipped past her lips. "He's been torturing you." Her brows furrowed sympathetically as she felt around the injury. "Does it hurt?"

"Not as much as the device implanted beneath it." He absorbed the pained look in her eyes…the eyes he loved more than any others he'd seen in all the galaxies he's traveled for more than half his life. "Why are you here?" he asked suddenly disoriented. He shifted his gaze to look past her. His eyes grew dull as he realized what the situation meant.

"Jean-Luc?" she asked. "Are you okay?"

He moved his focus back to her. "After everything, why would he put me in here with you?" His shoulders slumped. "You're not real," he said in a dejected tone.

"I assure you that I am." She gave him a smile in attempt to lessen his anxiety.

"It doesn't make sense." He shook his head and walked stiffly away from her. "He had to have known that seeing you would give me comfort. And that is the last thing he wanted me to feel."

He started to pace. It was slow at first but as his mind began racing so did his legs. He shook his head and muttered to himself about how this wasn't right.

"Jean-Luc, please sit down. Listen to me," she begged as she tried to keep up with his motions. She held her hands out and tried to touch his shoulder but he jerked away from her.

"No," he said with a new coldness in his eyes, "you aren't real."

"Why do you keep saying that?"

"It's true, isn't it?" he asked, turning to face her. He half expected to hear that laugh and cold voice. He half expected for the cell walls to fade away and explode back into that room he'd been in. His eyes shifted up, thinking he'd see the post that his restraints would be locked into.

Long silences passed as he waited for his comfort to be ripped from him. His eyes shut tightly. He couldn't watch as she was torn away. Of all the torture he'd endured, that would be the one he wouldn't be able to withstand.

"My God," she uttered. The emotional waves crashing off him stole away her breath. "What have they done to you?" she whispered. In three long strides, she came to him. She placed her hands on his shoulders and held him tightly. Her eyes bore into him, determination cutting across her crystal blue irises. "This is real, Jean-Luc Picard," she said sharply. "_I_ am real."

His eyes remained closed as he steeled himself against her adamant words. He could feel her staring at him but he couldn't bear to open his eyes. Yet somehow with one graceful touch of her hand on his cheek she lifted the barrier. She took a steadying breath and focused on him. Then her own eyelids fell shut as she pushed away the distance between them.

"I am real," she whispered right before her lips touched his.

Before he knew it she'd dulled his defenses. His hands found her waist. He pulled her closer and moved his mouth with hers. He sighed as her fingers gripped tightly at his shirt. Her determination passed through him with each movement of her lips. His hands slid up her body until they reached her face. He framed it with his gentle hands then pulled away.

She was still there.

His head swarmed with thoughts and emotions. Then the clarity that had just shot through him slowly started to fade away. He stumbled back.

"Jean-Luc!" she screamed as she barely caught him.

He slumped to the floor, his head falling lifelessly to the side.

"Shit," she cursed to herself, wishing she had her god damned tricorder. "Jean-Luc!"

She ran her hands over his face and down his neck. She'd have to improvise since she didn't have any medical supplies. Her fingers shook as she felt for his pulse. Her heart unclenched when she felt its steady rhythm. Lowering her head, she put her ear close to his mouth. His breathing sounded fine. She pulled away to look at him, her palm cupping his cheek.

With a start, he opened his eyes. They clouded in confusion as he tried to reorient himself. His eyes narrowed as if to block out bright light.

"Beverly?"

"Jean-Luc," she sighed, relieved.

"What happened?"

"I don't know. We were just…you fainted."

He took a deep breath and stood. A smile formed on his face as he looked around the room. A soft noise hummed in his throat as he tilted his face up toward the ceiling.

"I love this place," he said in a contented voice.

"What are you talking about?" she asked, a scowl forming on her brow.

He opened his eyes and looked at her. "This," he said waving his arm in front of him.

She followed his indicated path. His arm swept by past the dirty toilet and the small sink in the corner. She frowned.

"You're not making any sense. Did you hit your head?" she asked, pulling on his chin to inspect his head.

"Stop it," he said with a smile while taking her hand in his. "I'm just sorry Jack couldn't be here."

"Jean…" She gasped. Her voice lowered to a horse whisper. "Why…why would you bring up Jack?"

"You know he loved this beach, Beverly."

Her eyes narrowed. "What are you saying?"

He inhaled deeply. "I always loved the smell off the bay. The holodecks really don't do it any justice."

"Jean-Luc," she snapped.

He shifted his eyes to her. "Beverly, relax. It's too beautiful…_you're_ too beautiful for such hostility. Just enjoy it."

"What is wrong with you?" she asked, concern shooting off her.

A laugh rumbled in his stomach as he advanced toward her. "There's something I need to tell you," he said leaning in toward her.

Her breath hitched in her chest as she moved backward, taking a step away from him then another and another. She only stopped with the back wall hindered any more movement. To her surprise, he stepped right into her.

"Jean-Luc," she whispered with a panicked urgency in her voice.

"Beverly, I need you," he murmured.

She gasped and placed her hands on his chest. "What are you…" Her arms tensed as she attempted to push him away.

He laughed. "No…I didn't mean like that," he said, his deep voice vibrating against her. His head bent to the side as he took a few deep breaths. "For a long time…for _too_ long…I've needed to tell you something. But I've been a fool. I let fear control me."

Another deep breath filled his chest as he prepared to bare it all to her. He reached out and ran his hand down the trunk of the tree under which they stood. It was rough under his touch. Pulling away he looked to make sure he hadn't scraped his fingers.

She looked down as he ran his thumb over his fingertips. What was going on? In the last ten minutes something drastic had happened.

"Jean-Luc?" she asked hesitantly. "Where are you?"

"On my favorite San Francisco beach with my best friend," he answered with a smile. "We used to spend so much time here when we were younger. The three of us. Do you remember?"

"Of course, I remember."

"It's nice to be back." He stared out in the distance and listened to the waves break on the beach.

She licked her lips and stared at him. He was obviously trapped inside some delusion. Looking into his eyes, she searched for an answer for any of her questions. Within the hazel she saw a murky cloud.

"Jean-Luc," she said gently. "Look at me."

When his eyes moved, she could see it. They must have given him some kind of drug. He was hallucinating.

"Are you feeling alright?" she asked, her doctor-ly concern apparent in her voice.

"I haven't felt better in a long time." He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her to him. "Now back to what I was saying." Instead of continuing on with whatever he wanted to say, he tightened his hold on her and leaned down to kiss her.

She momentarily got lost in the feeling. His lips moved gently against hers as his fingers carefully gripped at her. A small moan sounded in her throat. As he paused to take a breath, she seized the opportunity and tilted away from him.

"Jean-Luc," she said quietly as he shifted toward her again. "We shouldn't. You're…you're not quite yourself."

"Trust me when I say I've never felt better. I'm in one of my favorite places on Earth, with one of my favorite people. The most gorgeous, kind, caring person in all the galaxies."

"And now I know you aren't feeling like yourself," she said chuckling.

"You're a very beautiful woman, Beverly Crusher."

"I, too, am beginning to believe in your theory that none of this is real," she said in between kisses.

"I've wasted so much time," Jean-Luc muttered as he kissed down her neck. "So much time."

Beverly sighed and placed her hand over Jan-Luc's strong jaw. Her fingers grazed the back of his head as she pulled him away from her. "Jean-Luc, I'll never forgive myself if I let you do this." She licked her lips and stared into his eyes. "You're under the influence of something…I don't know if we should be…"

He stopped her with a kiss. "Please believe me when I tell you this," he said kissing her again. "I've never wanted anything more than you." He broke through her last defense.

"Fuck," she breathed out as his tongue weaved into her mouth.

She'd tried so hard to stop him even though every part of her being wanted to succumb. He wasn't acting like himself; she knew that. And somewhere deep down she knew he knew it too. The last thing she wanted from this experience was for him to have any regrets. She'd wanted this too long to have to live the rest of her life with that.

His fingers worked nimbly down her body then skillfully started to untie the sash around her waist. She felt the tension of it release as it fell to the floor. His hands slowly gathered the material. She felt the cold concrete of the wall hit her skin as her tunic lifted over her body. A few seconds later it hit the floor in a soft rustle.

As they moved toward the bed, everything was a blur of movement and emotion. Their bodies seemed to fit together like lost pieces finding their home. She'd never felt anything so pure and so perfect.

"Beverly," Jean-Luc moaned into her ear.

Soft kisses trailed after the sound of his voice. Her skin tingled at the sensation. She was never going to get out of this alive.

His mouth once again met hers in a passionate kiss. Their tongues lazily circled each other's as every inch of their bodies met. When Beverly opened her eyes she noticed that the cold, dark cell had drifted away and she also found herself on that San Francisco beach.

Perhaps had she been more focused on her surroundings she would have been suspicious about the setting change. But she was too absorbed in him to question anything. She could feel the sand beneath their bodies, she could hear the waves crashing on the beach, she could smell that distinct bay breeze. And after years and years of secretly loving him, she was finally showing him how much he meant to her.

As he looked at her face, his heart swelled at the look of content it held. God, did he love when she smiled. And this time, he was the one putting it there. So many things flew through his mind as he continued to watch her. He wrapped his arm around her slim waist and pulled her into his side. When she snuggled into him he thought, 'If I died today, I would at least be dying happy.'

…

**End note: **I forgot to mention that I'm big on music. I usually have a playlist when I write containing songs that either have lyrics that I feel carry on a certain theme for the chapter. Sometimes I rely on them heavily, others times not so much. But I do like to let readers know…I feel it kind of gives a little insight into my thought process. I also think it's difficult for people to relate to these types of things if they've never heard the songs before so I'm going to try and link them for you so you can hopefully hear what I hear. Here's the link for Come Home by OneRepublic: .com/watch?v=kvA7Ej9N_5Y


	2. Back to You

**A/N: **Do you still remember what this one is about?

Okay, so first I have a few apologies…I'm sorry if I caused any confusion in the last chapter as to where the story starts in relation to the episode…I realize I wasn't so clear with that. With that said, I hope we're all on the same page now. :)

Also, I apologize for the delay…I realized upon editing that I hated most of this chapter and had to do some major re-working. Then all hell broke loose. I started a new job and didn't have as much time to edit as I would have wanted. Then I was traveling for work and then I was out of the country for my little sister's wedding. Then I had another wedding to prepare and attend for my sister. Suffice it to say it's been a busy few months. BUT I finally buckled down and got it done. Hopefully the transition from chapter 1 to here or really any transitions aren't too abrupt. I know that they can be a little shaky sometimes but I do try to smooth them out as best I can.

A few more things before we get into the chapter. In this one I've taken some of the situations and a few of the lines straight from Chain of Command, Part II (but keep in mind that most of the events from the episode don't really exist in this alternate reality). If you don't recognize the lines I've borrowed right away I've **bolded** them. Also here's the link for the song, All This Time by OneRepublic: ((.com/watch?v=1C-TrXJFhC4)) – Oh yeah…I did see that the links in the last chapter didn't appear as they should…nor does the link for this chapter show up right…does anyone know how to fix this?

**Disclaimer: **See chapter 1.

…

**Chapter 2: Back to You**

"_Take all the time lost, all the days that I cost  
>Take what I took and give it back to you<em>

All this time we were waiting for each other  
>All this time I was waiting for you<br>We got all these words, can't waste them on another  
>So I'm straight in a straight line running back to you…"<p>

_~ All This Time, OneRepublic_

…

As a soft song drifted from his mouth, a delusional smile pulled across Jean-Luc's lips. In the matter of hours everything had changed. He was no longer cold…alone. Comforting sounds and smells enveloped him in a safe blanket. He felt so warm…so relaxed.

France. Home. Sunday dinner. That's where he was.

If he stretched his arm just a few more centimeters he could touch the soft linens on the dining room table and delicate porcelain of the ancestral fine china. If he closed his eyes just a little tighter he could see his mother, his father, his brother. Another smile worked its way onto his lips. It seemed like it had been forever since he'd seen his family.

After taking in the room, he turned his head to the right to see the smiling face of his mother. Just as he was about to reach out to her, a heavy boot pushed on his chest and roused him from the encompassing warmth. When he opened his eyes, he saw he was no longer in the Picard family home nor was he in the small cell containing Beverly. Instead he found himself in that large, sterile room again. The realization of this caused a dull ache to spread through his body.

As his mind continued to awaken from his dream, he looked around and reacquainted himself with the miserable gray space. He wondered how long he'd been here…he wondered how he'd gotten back. Then a new thought shocked through him.

What if he'd never left?

He concentrated as hard as he could on his encounter with Beverly, slowly realizing he couldn't remember much of it. It was lost in a thick haze. Panic coursed through his veins.

Had she been a dream? Had it _all_ been a dream?

He paused as his breath caught in his chest. It couldn't have been a dream. It was too real. Her face…her eyes…her lips…her skin. _All_ of her had felt too real to be a dream.

It was real, he said silently to himself.

As the great Starfleet captain struggled within, Madred stood close by with a grimace of a smile on his lips and watched the breakdown. He enjoyed watching the display of emotions his captor exhibited, knowing just what and more importantly of _who_ the man was thinking. His knowledge of the way Jean-Luc Picard's mind worked was going to make the continuation of his "game" just that more enjoyable.

After a few more moments, when the captain had calmed a little, Madred cleared his throat. Once he had the Jean-Luc's attention he asked where the other man had been. The captain stirred slightly then responded in a hoarse voice that he'd been at home…in La Barre.

"**Is ****that ****what****'****s ****keeping ****you ****from ****breaking?****" **the Gul asked, his voice dripping with condescension.** "****Memories ****of ****home ****and ****hearth? ****Images ****of ****happier ****times?****"**

Jean-Luc couldn't help but feel relieved by the Cardassian's comment. Old memories. Family. Home. Those were the devices that Madred thought kept him steadfast and whole. And that very belief kept Beverly safe. In Jean-Luc's mind that was more important than anything else.

After taking a brief moment to gather his wits, Jean-Luc managed to answer Madred's question with an almost imperceptible nod. He hoped his slight hesitation hadn't betrayed the true key to his strength. As the next few seconds passed anxiously by Jean-Luc held his breath and waited for a reaction.

But when Madred didn't challenge his response, the captain felt his resolve bolster. At that moment, he silently vowed that his tormenter would never find out who really kept him strong. He had finally found an advantage and in the grand scheme of things, it didn't matter how small it was. If it kept Beverly from harm, he'd exercise it.

While the captain silently celebrated his small victory, the Cardassian paused for a long moment and observed his prisoner. When he was satisfied that he'd successfully backed Jean-Luc into a corner he took a deep breath. The frosty air crackled as his cruel voice cut through it.

"**I ****must ****congratulate ****you. ****You****'****re ****remarkably ****strong****willed.****" **He paused and drew in a slow breath.** "****I ****see ****no ****point ****in ****holding ****you ****further. ****You ****may ****go.****"**

Jean-Luc looked at the Cardassian with uncertainty. Madred stood completely still while Jean-Luc reflected on the last few days, desperately trying to separate reality from fantasy. His memories were flashing before him at the speed of light.

Then her image hit him as hard as a phaser blast. _Beverly_. He had to ask about Beverly. He had to make sure she was safe.

With a swift shake of his head, Jean-Luc dislodged the thought from his mind. If he could get to the Enterprise he would be able to do more. He would be able to find her wherever she was and he would be able to help her…_save_ her. If he was kept a hostage there would be nothing he could do for her. He repeated that in his head several times in an attempt to convince himself it was the right thing to do.

After a few brief moments, Jean-Luc took a deep breath and stood slowly. When the Gul didn't say anything or make a move to stop him, he started to make his way toward the now open door at the back for the room. He'd almost made it through when the emotionless voice crossed the room and stole away his breath.

"**We ****will ****get ****what ****we ****need ****from ****the ****human ****female,****" **the voice taunted.

Jean-Luc's motions stilled immediately. **"****What ****female ****are ****you ****referring ****to?****" **he asked in the strongest voice he could conjure.

"**The human that was part of your abortive assault team, of course. Doctor Beverly Crusher."**

Jean-Luc's heart sank as terrifying images stormed through his mind. He could see her willowy form stripped of clothing. He could see her hanging from the same device that once suspended him. He could see the mind-altering drugs being injected into her flesh. And he could practically feel the pain that would course through her body when Madred pressed the button on his little device. His hand unconsciously moved to his chest as his face contorted in anguish.

"**What ****have ****you ****done ****to ****her?****"** the weakening captain asked with a sharp taste of disgust on his tongue.

"**Not a thing. She's quite safe. I wanted to finish my interviews with you before I interrogated her. I had _hoped_ it might not be necessary."**

The use of the word "interrogated" wasn't lost on Jean-Luc. It caused his heart to twist and his stomach to tighten. He knew she was in for something horrifying if Madred only considered his treatment an "interview."

Suddenly a new thought occurred to him. Something in the back of his mind told him to ask about Worf. 'Show Madred your concern isn't just focused on Beverly,' the voice said. He was unprepared for what he heard. The shocking reply hit him like a ton of bricks.

_Killed_.

"**I****'****m ****more ****optimistic ****about ****getting ****what ****we ****need ****from ****the ****woman,****" **Madred said, with just the slightest hint of excitement.

Jean-Luc's heart raced. The fire of his fight brewed under the surface. His fists clenched at his sides. He knew what he had to do. He had to protect her at any cost.

In a strong, defiant voice he told the Gul that Beverly knew nothing. He turned, his feet carrying him back toward the Cardassian as a look of contempt flashed in his eyes. Slowly, Jean-Luc lowered himself into the chair in front of the desk and stared at his captor. He prayed his face didn't reveal any of the inner turmoil he was experiencing.

Beverly was here, he reminded himself. Beverly was in danger.

What he had to do was clear. He must keep Madred away from her. Even if it meant a million more zaps from that device. He'd do it…he'd do _anything_.

"**Are ****you ****choosing ****to ****stay ****with ****me?****" **Madred asked without an ounce of surprise in his voice.

Jean-Luc nodded his response then watched a gleam shine from the corner of Madred's eye. For several moments they remained perfectly still and stared at each other. Neither man turned away for a second…neither man wavered from his conviction.

Several long moments later the Cardassian broke the standoff and left the room. Jean-Luc collapsed back in the chair and let out a trapped sob. He could only hope Madred wasn't going to Beverly. He could only hope he saved her some pain.

His heart ached with apprehension for her.

Seconds later a sigh heaved from his chest. No wonder Madred knew his weakness. He couldn't keep her out of his thoughts for longer than a few seconds. And he was sure it showed.

God, what was happening to him?

He shook his head, a laugh almost falling from his mouth. It wasn't as if this was anything new. She was always in his mind…in his heart and soul. And because of this he had always been willing to risk himself for her…he _would_ always be willing to risk himself…_especially_ for her.

Suddenly, worry for things outside of Beverly started to edge into his conscious thoughts. He couldn't help but wonder if what Madred said about Worf was true. What if the lieutenant had not actually made it to safety like Beverly thought? If he didn't that meant the Enterprise didn't know the entire thing was a ruse to capture him. And that meant he and Beverly were in more danger than he was willing to admit. He slumped back in the chair and closed his eyes as he tried to devise a plan.

He sat that way for hours. But for those hours his mind would do nothing but cycle through the same thoughts of her. Eventually the stress of it all took its toll on him and he was wrestled into a deep sleep.

He dreamed of beaches and her. He dreamed of the way they'd moved together on the sand. He dreamed of her smile as they became one. He dreamed of the feel of her legs wrapped around his waist and the soft sounds of bliss she made as they kissed.

When he woke, he found Madred sitting across from him. His captor then surprised him by offering him something to eat. Jean-Luc didn't refuse the chance for food. As he dug in, a brief silence passed while Madred watched his prisoner carefully.

After a few minutes, Madred began speaking. He told Jean-Luc a tale from his harsh youth. Jean-Luc listened carefully, taking in and analyzing each word that was spoken. When Madred was finished the tired captain saw his opportunity and took full advantage of it. With calculated words, he taunted the other man. He told the Cardassian he was pitiable. He told him he'd now always see him as a defenseless six-year-old. Even the stabbing pain coursing through his body didn't stop him. And in his heart he knew he wouldn't to stop until he and Beverly were safe. Unfortunately, after several minutes the pain became too much and everything faded into darkness.

When he woke up he was once again alone. He looked toward the desk and saw the remote that controlled the device inside him. The powerful item sat on the smooth surface, looking as innocuous as a computer PADD. But he knew its true strength better than anyone.

In an instant, Jean-Luc stumbled forward and grabbed it. Once it was in his hand he started to violently smash it against the desk. Only it didn't break. With committed dedication he tried harder.

After quite some time, Madred made his presence known. Jean-Luc's hope expired when Madred mentioned he possessed many more remotes. He released his hold on remote and made a weak response about it still feeling good. Jean-Luc then took a step away from the desk and waited for whatever torture Madred had in store for him this time.

Madred only let the captain's anticipation stew for a few seconds before he began to speak. He said the second worst thing he could have told the captain. There had been a battle. The Enterprise was burning.

No, Jean-Luc thought, don't believe him. _Can__'__t_ believe him.

The captain's eyes were vacant. He stared at the tabletop as the news penetrated his brain. Madred's deliberate words cut through the stagnant air telling his prisoner that he should have complied. The Gul paused dramatically and stared at the yet to be defeated captain.

"You could have saved yourself a lot of torment," Madred said casually.

Jean-Luc stared straight ahead, ignoring the dread accumulating in his stomach. He asked for a neutral representative, knowing it was a long shot but having to ask anyway. He couldn't and wouldn't sit idly by as Madred and the Cardassians destroyed his entire life.

His request was quickly denied. Even though the response was expected, Jean-Luc's hope faded to a dull speck of light in the farthest corner of the darkened room. There wasn't much left for him to do. If Madred's claims were true, almost all of his friends would be gone.

"You know, you could have saved _both_ of you a lot of torment," Madred said, interrupting the captain's thoughts. He sighed, hoping Jean-Luc would take his bait. "Then _everything_ you find precious in all of the worlds would be safe."

The words had their expected impact. Jean-Luc finally turned to face him. "What have you done to her?" The question was said more of a demand as his eyes narrowed and his breathing became ragged with barely controlled rage.

While thoughts of a tortured Beverly ran through Jean-Luc's head, Madred told him Starfleet had no idea they were there. And they would be there for a long, long time. Jean-Luc knew the Cardassian was right. Starfleet would think he and Beverly perished aboard the Enterprise with their comrades. They would be stuck here, in captivity…forever. His mind raced for choices…a plan…anything that would save them.

"**You ****do, ****however, ****have ****a ****choice,****" **Madred said to his prisoner after a few moments.** "****You ****can ****live ****out ****your ****life ****in ****misery ****held ****here. ****Subject ****to ****my ****whims. ****Or ****you ****can ****live ****in ****comfort ****with ****good ****food ****and ****warm ****clothing.****" **He stood before the captain, carefully laying out the scenario of living more comfortably as a captive then looked around the room.** "****It****'****s ****up ****to ****you. ****A ****life ****of ****ease ****and ****reflection ****and ****intellectual ****challenge. ****Or ****this.****"**

"**What must I do?"**

"**Nothing really. Tell me how many lights you see." **

The tall structure above Madred began to glow, blinding the man standing in front of it. Jean-Luc looked up at the array of lights. He hesitated. For a moment, he contemplated his options.

It only took a few seconds to decide he would not surrender and just as he was about to say as much, Beverly's eyes flashed into his line of vision. He could handle the torture but he would not let her endure it just because of his pride. If he conceded, he would guarantee her safety. She would be fed, kept warm, safe.

"_Jean-Luc,__don__'__t__do__it_," she said in his mind. "_I__can__take__it_."

Then he heard her scream out in pain. His body tensed. _No_, he silently yelled. His head shook in anger. He closed his eyes for a moment and tried to focus on something positive. As her smile crept into his mind, a sense of calm settled over him.

He could do this. He could admit defeat.

His eyes didn't stray from the lights for a second but the internal struggle wiped across his face as he worked up the courage to surrender. Just as he was about to respond, the door hissed open and heavy footsteps echoed through the space behind him. Though Madred's eyes darted to the disturbance he still stood proudly opposite Jean-Luc, his gaze steady on the weakened man. After taking one more glance to the approaching group Madred took a deep breath and refocused on Jean-Luc, warning him his time was almost up but still Jean-Luc would not compromise.

"**You ****told ****me ****he ****would ****be ****ready ****to ****go,****"** an annoyed voice said.

"**We ****had ****some ****unfinished ****business,****"** Madred simply replied.

"**Get ****him ****cleaned ****up. ****A ****ship ****is ****waiting ****to ****take ****him ****back ****to ****the ****Enterprise.****" **The Cardassian turned to address the battered man.** "****Captain ****Picard.****"**

The captain slowly turned to look at the other Cardassian.

"**If you go with the guards, they'll take care of you."**

Jean-Luc looked at the other Gul for a second then slowly turned to face Madred once again. His head rushed with thoughts of relief and outrage as he shifted his eyes toward the lights again. A new, incensed look formed on the Starfleet captain's face.

"**THERE ****ARE****…****FOUR****…****LIGHTS!****" **he shouted in defiance at his torturer.

His shoulders straightened as he spun toward the two guards. As they reached out to help him, he slapped at their arms then walked boldly to the door with two Cardassians in tow. Once they were in the hall and the door to the room was shut Jean-Luc stopped and looked at them.

"Where is she?" he asked urgently. "Is she okay? Where is Doctor Crusher?"

One of the guards pointed to a long hallway then took a step back to let Jean-Luc pass. He started walking as the guards followed closely behind. When they reached a cluster of doors, the guard ushered him through one. It led him to a familiar looking cell. Only this room was much larger and furnished more elaborately. Jean-Luc walked further into the cell and turned around just as the other guard held out a bundle of clothing.

"Get cleaned up. Change," the guard said. "We'll be back in twenty minutes to take you to the Enterprise."

The door closed. Jean-Luc released a breath, his heart pounding with relief. After taking half a second to let the events catch up with him, he frantically looked around the room for any sign of movement.

"Beverly?" he called out. His pulse throbbed in his neck. "Beverly?"

Seconds later she emerged from around the corner with a towel in her hands. "Jean-Luc!" Her face broke into a smile as she dropped the scrap of cloth and ran to him. She flung her arms around his neck, pulling him into a tight embrace.

After a few moments, Jean-Luc pulled back to look at her. He ran his fingers through her hair then leaned in to kiss her. He felt her body shake as her tears dropped down her face.

"Hey," he said gently. "It's okay. We're going home."

She laughed lightly and took a step away from him as she wiped the tears from her cheeks. "Home," she said in a near whisper.

"They didn't hurt you, did they?"

Her palm slid down his stubbled cheek. "A few hours ago they gave me this to wear and told me to wait." She held her arms out to the side for him so he could see her new outfit. "Apparently my other clothes were destroyed."

A lopsided smile balanced on his lips as he took in the sight of the new "dress" she wore. It was almost identical to the tunic she wore last time he saw her except this one was cleaner and blue. He couldn't help but notice how well it accentuated both her slim figure and the deep color of her eyes.

He looked back up to her face and saw a relieved smile in her eyes. There was so much to talk about. There were so many things he wanted to say to her. First and foremost he wanted to apologize for his behavior…for taking advantage of a tense situation.

The guilt had only just begun to fully manifest in his mind about what he had done when they were alone in that cell. But it was there. The only thing that kept him from blurting it all out was the sheer joy that she was alive and relatively unharmed…and the fact that they were going home.

He let the next few seconds bathe in that relief. Then, as it always did, his conscience crept slowly back to the forefront of his mind. His head swirled with his confessions. Though his heart protested, he took a deep breath and prepared to release them.

Hesitantly, he said her name and waited for her full attention. As she looked into his eyes, he started to stammer about needing to tell her something. She smiled lightly then stopped his disjointed words by placing her delicate fingers against his lips.

"Shh," she hushed. "There will be plenty of time to talk once we get back on the Enterprise. Go. Get cleaned up and change. I'll be here."

He carefully gripped her wrist then placed a soft kiss on her palm. She smiled at him again as she stroked her hand down his face. Turning into it, he closed his eyes and sighed contentedly.

"Okay," he whispered.

When he didn't move, she planted her hands on his chest. "Jean-Luc?"

"Yeah," he responded, his eyes opening lazily.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah."

"Did you need me to help you?"

He thought about her offer for a moment then responded with half a smile. "No," he declined. "I'll be okay."

Her look of disappointment caused his heart to jump.

"It's not that I don't _want_ help," he explained with a twinkle in his eye. "It's just that we only have about fifteen more minutes before the guards come back."

"Very well," she said as she walked over to sit on the bed. She slowly crossed one long leg over the other and folded her arms in front of her.

Jean-Luc's eyes opened widely. Suddenly the joy of seeing her that way melted away all of his previous arguments of guilt and remorse. The banter they shared so easily drew him out of the dark and engulfed him.

"Then on second thought," he said moving to sit beside her. He placed his hand on her bare thigh and leaned toward her. "You make a very convincing argument."

She laughed loudly then unfolded her arms and gave him a light shove. "Go," she said as she playfully swatted his shoulder.

A chuckle slipped through his lips as he got up from his seat. When he arrived at the break in the room, he looked back at her. He thought she'd never looked more beautiful than she did now…even though they had just spent days as captives…even though they'd just been through hell. As he took in her face and her smile he couldn't help but thank God enough for sparing her the pain of what he had been through.

When silence continued to prevail over the space, she shifted her head toward him. She saw his face set into a contemplative look as he stared into space. With a shake of her head, she smirked and cleared her throat.

"Jean-Luc?"

His head popped up as her voice broke through his thoughts.

"You only have ten minutes," she urged gently.

He laughed and nodded his head. "Okay, okay," he said as he disappeared around the corner.

…

Before they knew it, they were on a ship on their way back to the Enterprise. The moment the transporter beam cleared Beverly saw the smiling faces of the senior staff. She could almost feel the relief wash over them as she and Jean-Luc stepped off the pad.

"It's good to see you Doctor, Captain," Will said with a smile.

"It's good to see you, Number One." Jean-Luc smiled and shook his first officer's hand then turned and gave a friendly nod to the rest of the staff.

"I'd love to give you time to relax and adjust, sir," Will said with a heavy breath. "But Captain Jellico requested that you report to the bridge as soon as possible."

Jean-Luc nodded his head in understanding as his arms started to unconsciously move to tug at his uniform top. Beverly almost laughed when she saw him remember he wasn't wearing it. Old habits, she thought with a shake to her head. When Jean-Luc heard her snuff out her laughter, he turned his head sharply toward her. She shrugged and just looked back to Will.

"Under the circumstances, Commander," Beverly started, her sly smile defying the seriousness of her tone. "I think the captain and I should take a little trip to Sickbay first. I'm sure Captain Jellico wouldn't disagree."

Will hid a smirk as he nodded his head. "Of course, Doctor," he replied lightheartedly. "I'm sure he wouldn't challenge an order from the Chief Medical Officer."

Everyone smiled as the tension in the small transporter room began to fade away. The group regarded one another for a few more minutes just to make sure everything was real. After a few minutes, Will smiled then suggested that everyone get back to work. Geordi and Data each nodded and told the doctor and the captain they were glad they were back. Worf gave them each a slightly uneasy then apologetic look and left.

Once everyone else had exited the transporter room, Will turned to Jean-Luc. "Would you mind if I accompany you to Sickbay, sir?"

"Not at all, Number One," Jean-Luc replied.

As the two men left the room, Beverly held back and watched Jean-Luc disappear behind the door. Deanna stood perfectly still behind her friend and took notice of the torrents of emotions pouring from both the doctor and the captain. Beverly straightened her posture as she sensed her friend's questions then took a deep breath.

"Everything is fine, Deanna."

"But you _are_ troubled by something," the empath said in her typical counselor lilt.

"I think all things considered it's an understandable emotion, _Counselor_," Beverly replied, putting a teasing emphasis on Deanna's title.

"_Bev-er-ly_," Deanna said, the warning in her voice holding a touch of amusement.

"I just want to make sure he's okay." Beverly's face and tone became deathly serious as she turned to face her friend. "He's really going to need you in the coming weeks," she said.

Deanna smiled politely and placed her hand on the doctor's arm. "Not as much as he'll need you," she responded as she held her other hand up to stop her friend's protests. "Don't argue with me. You know I'm right. You were there with him. You experienced the same things he did."

"No," Beverly said, her voice breaking. "What I experienced wasn't even in the same realm as what he experienced." She sighed. "He seemed to think I was being used as a pawn in Madred's plan. Whatever _that_ was." Her head shook from side to side as she looked away from Deanna. "They barely talked to me. Hardly touched me."

Deanna nodded her head and offered a consoling grin. "Your injuries, those I can see, tell another story."

Beverly just stared into the empty space of the room, her lips pulled into a tight line. "Come on," she said, deftly changing the subject. She inhaled a deep breath and gave a crooked smile to her friend. "Let's not keep them waiting."

The two women walked to Sickbay in silence, each of them thinking back on the past few days. So much had happened. So much needed to be said and discussed and carefully considered. Beverly needed time…time to think and plan. Half of her thought that perhaps she and Jean-Luc should talk to Deanna together about what happened but the other half of her thought that Jean-Luc might not even want to talk about it…with her or Deanna.

"Talk to him," Deanna said, interrupting Beverly's internal deliberations.

"What?"

"I can sense your apprehension." Deanna took a deep breath and stopped walking. She looked down the hallway to the entrance of Sickbay. Reaching out she took hold of Beverly's arm and pulled her over to the side or the corridor. "Beverly, I don't know what happened on that planet but I can tell something of great importance did. Right now I'm not going to pressure you or the captain to tell me what transpired but you two do need to discuss it or it will eat you alive. I can feel the turmoil pouring off the both of you." She nodded her head and released her grip. "I'm not going bring it up again," she said gently.

Beverly arched her eyebrow and gave her friend a sarcastic look.

"What?"

The look continued as Beverly tilted her head to the side and widened her eyes.

"Okay," Deanna conceded with a guilty smile. "I'll most likely bring it up again. But what kind of counselor would I be if I didn't?"

The doctor shook her head and smiled. After a few seconds a serious look cut onto her face. "I'm worried, Deanna." Her eyes became unfocused as she looked toward Sickbay.

"Eventually he'll work through it," Deanna said, matter-of-factly.

"That's what I'm worried about. I saw him. I saw what they did to him…how weak he was." She leaned against the wall and bit her lip. "I'm just so afraid he'll push it away, ignore it, immerse himself in work."

"Sounds like _someone_ else I know," Deanna said, her eyebrow lifting.

"Deanna," Beverly said with a cautionary tone in her voice.

The counselor just stared back at her friend. Rolling her eyes, Beverly let go of a held breath and looked away. A smile pulled at her mouth despite her attempt at holding it captive.

"Just promise me something, Deanna."

"Anything."

"Help him."

"I'll do my best," Deanna responded reverently.

As Deanna drew her friend into a hug, a group of young ensigns passed by them. Beverly looked up to see the staring faces. Her brow furrowed as she pulled away and crossed her arms in front of her.

"What is their problem?" Beverly asked, a look of irritation crossing her face.

Deanna turned to look at the group. Her eyes grew large as she realized why they were staring. She bit her lip as her body shook with barely controlled laughter.

"What?"

"Beverly," Deanna spit out, "your outfit."

The doctor looked down, suddenly feeling very self conscious in the "dress" the Cardassians had provided her. Her cheeks flushed as her eyes closed and her hand moved to rest against her forehead. She shook her head. Deanna just laughed harder then grabbed Beverly by the arm and dragged her toward Sickbay.

When the two women entered, the hustle and bustle of the room stopped. Everyone turned and smiled at their boss. Beverly smiled back and nodded in response. As she made her way to Jean-Luc's biobed, a few people stopped to tell her it was good to have her back. She thanked them and felt some of the tension in her weaken.

"I'll talk to you later, Bev," Deanna called out as she headed toward Will who was in Beverly's office.

Beverly nodded and waved but didn't look back toward her friend. Her focus was fully on reaching Jean-Luc…on making sure he was truly okay.

The moment she reached Jean-Luc's side, Doctor Selar handed her a tricorder and stepped to the side. Beverly thanked her and immediately got down to business. Her eyes masked her emotions as she scanned him. She watched the results carefully as they appeared on the screen.

"Beverly," Jean-Luc said quietly. "Beverly," he repeated louder when she didn't respond. When she still didn't look up from the tricorder, he lifted his hand and placed it on hers. "Beverly," he said again. "They already scanned me. I'm going to be fine."

The doctor cleared her throat and lifted her eyes to his for just a second before she turned toward her nurse. Alyssa didn't waste a second on questions or even words as she handed her boss a PADD. Beverly examined it quickly then finally exhaled.

"See?" Jean-Luc asked, keeping his eyes on hers. "I'll be fine."

"I need to get that device out of you," she said, not succumbing to his charms.

"You don't need to do anything but sit down." He squeezed her hand. "You need to get checked out too."

Her eyes flew to him, her mouth open and ready to argue. She stopped as she saw his smile. Her eyes narrowed and her lips pursed. He gently took the tricorder from her hands and handed it to Alyssa. As soon as she had the item, Alyssa smiled and walked away to give the two of them some privacy.

"How do you feel?" Beverly asked weakly.

"I feel fine. How do you feel?"

She shrugged. "Probably better than I look. Then again, according to a few ensigns in the hallway maybe I feel worse than I look." A smirk slanted onto her lips as she rolled her eyes.

"What are you talking about?" he asked as his face pulled into a scowl.

"Nothing," she responded as she shook her head. "Don't look at me like that, Jean-Luc. It's really nothing. I'll just be more comfortable once I'm out of this and back into my uniform."

As he caught onto what she was saying, Jean-Luc's eyes widened in surprise. Her dress. Her legs. His ears started to turn red.

"Relax," she said, putting her hand on his shoulder. "It was nothing."

He started to sit up. "They should have more respect for a senior staff member," he grated out. "For the _Chief_ _Medical_ _Officer_."

Beverly laughed and placed her hand on his cheek. "It's okay." She almost leaned in to kiss him but held back. "Thank you for the concern though."

"Doctor Crusher?" Alyssa asked tentatively from behind them. "I don't mean to interrupt but Commander Riker just talked to Captain Jellico and…"

"It's okay, Alyssa," Beverly said with a smile. "You can tell the commander that Captain Picard will be making an appearance on the bridge in just a moment."

Alyssa nodded then walked away. Beverly looked to Jean-Luc and lifted her hand to his face again. She smiled as she sighed.

"So, I'm cleared for duty, doctor?"

"Not quite. You still need to get that device out of you."

"But I am free to go?" he asked with a wide grin.

"You are," she said resting her hand on his shoulder. "Until we can schedule you for surgery, get out of my Sickbay. Go play captain. And make sure to take back the command of the Enterprise."

"Yes, sir," he said as he laughed. He slowly stood up from the biobed. Gathering her hands in his, he leaned toward her. "Will you have dinner with me later tonight?"

"Of course," she replied as a light flush spread on her cheeks.

Jean-Luc smiled and lifted her hand. After placing a kiss on her palm, he whispered that he'd see her later then left. On the way out, he sought out Alyssa.

"Nurse Ogawa," he said, pulling her aside. "I want you to make sure Doctor Crusher gets checked out and then immediately goes back to her quarters to rest. When she argues tell her that it was an order…from the captain. Okay?"

Alyssa smiled. "Of course, Captain Picard."

"Thank you."

After one more look to Beverly, Jean-Luc left Sickbay with a sigh of relief. Though things seemed to be sorting out, he knew they still had a long road ahead of them. They still needed to talk about what happened. And no matter how hard he tried, the guilt still continued to creep into his mind. He shook his head. That will have to wait until later. Now, he had to get his ship back.

**TBC… **

…


	3. Dear Agony

**A/N: **Sorry for the long delay in this. If you've read my latest you'll see I had a major issue with my flash drive. It was really the only place I saved my writing and it decided to explode (not literally) so I had to restore and in some cases recreate some things. In any case, here's the next installment of this one. Just a reminder, I've gone all AU on you now. Anything in bold is a direct quote from the episode. Song link (sorry I still haven't been able to figure out how to get this to actually show up): .com/watch?v=KGrM1sh-8pE

**Disclaimer: **See chapter 1.

…

**Chapter 3: Dear Agony**

"_And I will find the enemy within  
>Because I can feel it crawl beneath my skin<em>

_Dear Agony  
>Just let go of me<br>Suffer slowly  
>Is this the way it's got to be?<br>Don't bury me  
>Faceless enemy<br>I'm so sorry  
>Is this the way it's gotta be?<br>Dear Agony…"_

_~Dear Agony, Breaking Benjamin_

…

The tension on the bridge was palpable as the two captains faced each other. Everyone seemed to be waiting for a battle of wills. But as soon as Jellico began to speak all of his previously exhibited coldness fell away. He straightened up, shook Jean-Luc's hand and then transferred all command functions of the Enterprise back. It was music to Jean-Luc's ears. As soon as everything was confirmed, it felt like half a ton of weight had been lifted from his chest.

After Jellico left the bridge, the newly reinstated captain of the Enterprise took a relieved breath. He felt the muscles in his back loosen as the stress of the past few weeks fell away. But there was still something nagging him. Even as that one weight lifted from his worried soul, he could feel the weariness continuing to gnaw at his bones. A laden sigh fell from his mouth.

Getting his ship back had been easy, something for which he was very thankful, and it did cross his mind that it was odd that everything would end so straightforwardly. At least it was with regards to reclaiming the Enterprise. Unfortunately, in his heart, he knew that not everything to do with the experience would end with such ease. Beverly was unequivocally on the top of that list. He was sure things with her were going to be much, much more complicated.

Another long sigh broke from his mouth. **"You have the bridge, Number One,"** he said with a stiff nod.

Right before he turned to walk away, he caught the look on Deanna's face. He stopped his movement and glanced to her then motioned toward his Ready Room. As he walked away the counselor stepped in line behind him.

Once Jean-Luc was inside, he waited for the door to slide shut then gestured toward the couch. When she was settled, he moved to sit down opposite her and without any prompting he began to talk.

"**I uh…I don't know where to begin. It was um…"**

"**I read your report,"** Deanna said gently, motioning toward him with her hand.

His report. The mention of it nearly caused his heart to stall. He loathed that it would live forever…for all to see…as a reminder of what happened to him. But he knew it was something that couldn't and wouldn't be avoided or forgotten. Not by Starfleet, not by Deanna and certainly not by Beverly.

He still felt guilty for secretly typing it out on the way back to the Enterprise while Beverly slept. But it was something he had to do. It had taken him two days to complete. A day and a half longer than it should have simply because he hadn't wanted her to watch him write it. The emotions he'd relive while recounting the experience would be painful enough. He didn't need her to witness them…not on his face and not in his words. It was bad enough she'd already seen the physical extent of the damage the Cardassian's did. He thought she could at least leave him what emotional integrity he had left.

A haunted look passed across Jean-Luc's face while Deanna continued to look at him with sympathy filled eyes. He cleared his throat and opened his mouth to speak then quickly closed it. For a brief moment he had actually considered telling the counselor everything about the one decision he'd made to spare _her_. But he stopped himself; he couldn't tell her. He hadn't written it in his report for a reason, which was something he'd constantly wondered about ever since.

What _was_ the real reason? Was it to protect himself? Protect Beverly? Protect their careers? Or was it simply denial?

He sighed again then rubbed his hands together nervously. What could he possibly say to Deanna that she hadn't already read? His eyes narrowed slightly, knowing exactly what. He shook his head then remembered something else he'd neglected to include in his report. He considered it. After a second, he decided he could alter and leave out just enough that it wouldn't be too detrimental to her opinion of his mental capacity. Gathering up his nerve, he began.

"**What I didn't put in the report," **he started with a slight edge,** "was that at the end he gave me a choice. Between a life of comfort or more torture. All I had to do was to say that I could see five lights when there were in fact only four."**

"**You didn't say it." **The counselor didn't phrase it as a question, knowing emphatically that one wasn't needed.

"**No, no but I was going to. I was going to do anything. Anything at all. But more than that…I believed that I could see five lights."**

Deanna's voice was soft and understanding. "Because of Beverly."

Jean-Luc turned a questioning eye to the counselor.

"Beverly and I spoke on the way to Sickbay earlier," Deanna explained. "She told me of your suspicions on why she was kept hostage." She sat back on the couch and folded her hands together. "Have you told her what you just told me?"

"No," he replied with a sharp intake of breath.

"Why not?" She tilted her head to the side in question. "It took you nearly _three_ days to reach the Enterprise. There was plenty of time." Her brow furrowed. "What did the two of you do for those three days?"

"To be honest we didn't talk a lot." He sighed. "For the first two days I wrote my report whenever she was sleeping. Actually, come to think of it she slept a great deal." A ghost of a smile flashed onto his face. Then like vapor, it was gone. "I got the impression she didn't really have a good night's rest the entire time we were there. Which is understandable. I didn't sleep very well either."

Deanna listened to his slight rambling until he paused for several seconds. Her features grew serious but her voice remained gentle and comforting. "After your report was written, what did you do while she was sleeping?"

"I…I just…" His already quiet voice faded away.

"You…what?" Deanna urged carefully.

He took a deep breath. "I watched her sleep."

"Why?"

"I wanted to be sure she was really there. That she wasn't a dream or that the whole thing hadn't been an illusion." He hesitated for a moment, feeling as if a floodgate was about to explode open. Tried as he might he knew he could no longer maintain the façade. With a deep breath he resigned himself to the fact that he needed to tell her. But before he could allow that to happen, he had to make sure Deanna understood the ramifications of this being said aloud. "Counselor," he started, "I want to tell you something else. But…it's something I need to be kept private."

"Something else that's not in your report?"

Jean-Luc nodded. "It's very personal and it involves…"

"Beverly," Deanna interjected.

"Yes," he answered in a near whisper.

"Tell me what happened."

"This won't show up in your report? Even one that is confidential? It's not that I don't trust you, Deanna…it's just…"

"You have my word, Captain."

Jean-Luc nodded his appreciation of her understanding. He paused and prepared himself for a second then took a deep breath. "When we were being held, I was in the same room the entire time I was there…well almost. At one point, Madred left and some guards took me to a small cell. They never explained why. I could only guess."

He stopped speaking and turned his eyes away from the counselor for several moments. A shadow settled over his eyes as he began reliving the experience. Before his mind could run away with him, he quickly closed his eyes and took another deep breath. A second later he looked back to his patient colleague.

"Anyway," he continued gruffly, "once I was in this other cell I saw Beverly. She looked awful but when I asked if they'd hurt her she insisted that she was okay."

"So you thought she wasn't telling you the truth."

"Not exactly."

"Then what?"

"I think she was downplaying what they'd done to her because she…she's a doctor."

"I don't think that's exactly what you think the real reason is, Captain. And you know that."

Jean-Luc considered this for a few seconds. "I think, knowing Beverly, that even if she had been seriously hurt she wouldn't have said anything because in her eyes I looked worse. And she…she'll suffer through her injuries to make sure that others' needs are taken care of first. She's always been like that. That's why she's a superb doctor…and friend."

"With all due respect, sir, I don't see how…"

"Everything was going okay," he continued, cutting off the counselor's question. "Or as okay as it could be under the circumstances. We examined each other for wounds and talked a little." He stood and started to pace. "She told me she came back for me. Did you know she ordered Worf to leave?" he asked turning his eyes to the counselor.

She nodded. A brief smile containing an emotion unknown to him flickered on her lips for a second. He sighed then continued to pace.

"She came back. For me. And the guilt was just…overwhelming. She was there because of me. I knew they knew she had come back for me. And they kept her to use her to get what they needed from me."

"And you told her this? When you were in the cell?"

"I did."

"How did she react?"

"She thought I'd lost it. She kept insisting that her captivity was no one's fault but the Cardassians and herself."

Deanna shifted in her seat and looked thoughtfully at the captain. "And did you think she didn't actually believe that?"

"I don't know. I was so focused on blaming myself."

Readjusting in her seat again, Deanna tried not to audibly sigh. "What happened next?" she asked, trying to ease more of the story from him.

"I noticed her outfit," he stated frankly.

The friend inside the counselor couldn't help but smile. His admission to that fact was just another thing on a long list of items proving these two were blind to the mutual love they shared. She shook her head and shifted her attention to Jean-Luc. Seeing the faraway look in his eyes, Deanna cleared her throat to bring him back to the present.

Jean-Luc hadn't taken notice of the counselor's amusement. He just kept staring forward and thinking back to the way Beverly looked. When he heard Deanna gently clear her throat, he snapped out of it and refocused his eyes.

"It was similar to the one she was wearing when we got back to the Enterprise only it was dirty and black," he continued. "I know it makes me sound like a ridiculous schoolboy but seeing the length…" His head shook aggressively with the thought. "It pushed the present almost completely from my mind. It brought to mind all of our times we spent together when we were younger." He shrugged then took a deep breath, continuing to talk as he exhaled. "And then I fainted. When I woke up everything seemed to have changed. It was so sudden. It was hot and sunny and we were on this beach we used to go to with Jack. Or that's what I thought."

"What did you think was happening?"

"It felt like a dream. At the time I was so far inside the delusion that I didn't really think anything of the sudden change in scenery. The only thing I really took note of was Beverly's strange reaction. But when we were on the transport back to the Enterprise, I slowly began to recognize what had happened was something else completely. It took a while to convince myself of what really occurred. And that's when I realized there might have been an outside influence. So much so that in Sickbay, before you and Beverly arrived, I asked Selar to take a blood sample and analyze it for anything and everything. I just hoped it was still in my system."

"Does Beverly know you asked the doctor to do that?"

"I'm guessing she knows by now." A smile brightened his gaunt face for a moment. "She won't care if there's a conflict of interest, I'm sure she'll take over everything to do with our cases. If she hasn't already."

"You're not even going to try and stop her, are you?"

Jean-Luc arched his eyebrow.

"Right," Deanna replied as she nodded her head, a poorly concealed smile on her lips. "So what happened when you thought you were on that beach?"

"It's so clear now that I was hallucinating but at the time I was really on that beach. I think I scared her. I started talking about us. About Jack." He stopped speaking and stared at his clasped hands.

"Then what happened?"

"I told her I needed her."

Deanna's jaw fell toward the floor. "You…told…you told her you needed her?" she asked, trying to find her professional detachment.

"I meant it in a 'I need you with me' kind of way not a 'I need to be _with_ you' kind of way but she took it as you did and tried to push me away. Then I told her I had something to tell her. She kept asking me if I was okay or if I hit my head. Then…"

"Yes?"

"I kissed her."

The counselor was bowled over. Had she just heard what she thought she heard? He kissed her? After all these years of denying it…after all these years of trying to pry these feelings out of him…he kissed her. She couldn't believe it.

"I don't believe it," she unwittingly voiced.

"Believe it or not I did. And…that's not all that happened."

"_What_?" Deanna asked, losing all sense of professionalism. This was groundbreaking. This was something she'd been trying to get them to admit they wanted to succumb to for years.

Jean-Luc nodded his head. "You know I'm a private man, Deanna. I wouldn't be telling you this to…to brag or gloat."

"I understand, Captain. But you must admit that this is something that's been a long time coming."

"How so?"

"How long have you loved her?" Deanna shifted on the couch but continued to stare at the man before her.

Jean-Luc's eyes shut as he took a few deep breaths. "That doesn't have any bearing on this."

"Doesn't it?" Deanna raised a serious eyebrow and tilted her head toward him.

"I took advantage of her, Counselor. She was scared and worried and battered and I…I just…"

"You were drugged, Captain."

"There's no proof of that yet. And besides, that's not an excuse to coerce one's best friend into…"

"Sir," Deanna interrupted, "may I speak freely?"

Jean-Luc hesitated for half a second then responded with an even, "of course."

"You're acting like an idiot."

His face froze in surprise.

Deanna smiled apologetically then began attempting to smooth her blunt comment. "What I'm saying is you two obviously have feelings for each other that go beyond friendship and you're both completely blind to that. How long have you known Beverly?"

"Around twenty years."

"Does anyone know her better than you?"

He hesitated for a few seconds then cleared his throat. "There was a huge gap of time in there where we didn't speak," he replied.

She noticed that he evaded the question but pressed on anyway. "And why is that?"

"Jack."

"You felt guilty."

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Shame. Failure." His face wrinkled into a scowl. "I shouldn't have lived when he died. I should have…I should have been able to save him and I didn't. I promised I would keep him safe but I didn't. I failed _her_."

"You felt you didn't _deserve_ to live, didn't you?" Deanna shifted in her seat and leaned forward. She watched as he nodded his head. "You blamed yourself. Much like you are blaming yourself right now." She stopped to let her words sink into his head. "Do you want another gap of time where you and Beverly don't speak?"

"No."

"Then my professional and personal opinion is that you talk to her about this. See what she thinks before you start blaming and punishing yourself too much."

"But I…"

"Captain," she said firmly, "when have you _ever _known Beverly Crusher to do something she didn't want to do…even if she was scared."

Jean-Luc remained quiet as he contemplated her statement.

"You know I'm right."

Deanna knew she was pushing her limits with the captain. But if she'd learned anything over the years it was that when it came to him and the chief medical officer she needed to give them a little shove in the right direction. And when push did come to shove she'd toe the line every time when it came to them even if it wasn't as professional as her position dictated.

Jean-Luc inhaled slowly and reached up to rub his temples.

"Now," she said, "you look exhausted. Take the rest of the day off and relax. Maybe get some sleep. We'll manage without you."

A protest stung sharply at the back of his throat but he swallowed it and exhaled slowly. After the past week, he really could use a nice hot shower and a few hours of sleep in his comfortable bed. As a half smile tilted onto his face, he nodded his head.

"Perhaps you should stop by Sickbay and persuade a certain doctor to do the same," Deanna added with a smile.

Jean-Luc gave her a stern look. "Counselor," he warned, "I didn't tell you all of that so you could use it against me."

She nodded her head. "Captain, I am being completely serious. She's just been through quite an ordeal too. And you know Beverly."

He turned his eyes to her, showing his understanding. Without saying another word, the weary captain walked out of his Ready Room. His mind was even more crowded and confused than before. When he was a few centimeters from the turbolift, he shifted his distracted gaze to his first officer.

"Number One, I will be in my quarters if anyone needs me."

"Aye, sir," Will responded. He offered his captain an reassuring smile then watched him get on the turbolift. As soon as the doors slid shut, he turned to Deanna and spoke to her quietly. "How is he?"

She shrugged. "He's going to need some time. They both are. But I think he's dealing with it as best he can."

"There's something more," he said, noting the look in her eyes.

"Well there is one thing that concerns me. But I'm hoping I made my point clear to him. Only time will tell."

…

Beverly sat behind her desk and sighed. Her bones were weary and her eyes were heavy but her mind wouldn't let her rest. Every time she closed her eyes she saw horrible things. Things she'd rather forget. Things she wished she hadn't witnessed.

Though a piece of her did think it felt good to be back, she still couldn't get over the overwhelming sense of foreboding hovering around her. Every fiber of her being ached with worry for her best friend.

Sighing again, she picked up a PADD and started reviewing it. After reading about five lines into the report, she felt someone's eyes on her. She looked up to find her best friend leaning against the doorframe of her office.

"Hey," she said her mouth forming a tentative but eventually broad smile.

"Hey," he replied back as his gaze lowered. "Are you busy?" he asked, slowly bringing his eyes back to hers.

"Not at all." She sat the PADD down and motioned to one of the chairs in front of her desk. "Would you like to sit?"

"Thanks."

"What can I do for you, Jean-Luc?" she asked as her eyes followed and analyzed his movements for any sign of residual pain. Once he sat without any sign of physical strain she looked back up to his face, folded her hands on top of her desk and waited for him to speak.

"Um…" He lifted his hand and ran it over the top of his head. "I just wanted to see how you were doing."

"I'm doing fine." Her eyes sparkled slightly as she continued to stare at him. It felt so good to see him. Since they'd been back on the Enterprise she was surprised at how empty she felt when he wasn't near. The feeling was the most powerful it had ever been in all the years they'd known each other. Shifting her focus back to him, she smiled at him. "And how are _you_?"

"I'm…" He paused and exhaled loudly. "I'm doing okay. I just spoke with Troi."

"Oh?" Her eyebrows rose as she tilted her head to the side. "Did she have anything interesting to say?" she asked quietly.

"She thought I should go to my quarters and rest. Said I looked tired."

She laughed lightly. "You _do_ look tired," she agreed in a soft voice. She licked her lips nervously and sat forward in her chair. "Did you sleep at _all_ on the trip home?"

"A little."

She raised her eyebrows and gave him that look she did when she knew he was stretching the truth. After he didn't amend his response, she bit her lip and picked up the PADD she had been reading. When she noticed him deflate then stand and move back to the door, she let a sigh float from behind her lips.

"I read your report, Jean-Luc," she said with a slightly raised voice as she held up the PADD. "When did you have time to write it?"

He stopped dead in his tracks and his eyes immediately lowered. "On the trip back."

"_When_?" She waited. "Jean-Luc?"

"When you were sleeping." Though he slowly turned to face her, his eyes remained cast down.

"Why did you write it while I was sleeping?"

"I don't know."

Beverly stood from her chair and walked around the desk. She then folded her arms over her chest and leaned back on the edge. "Jean-Luc."

He sighed and walked back to the chair, reclaiming his seat. "I didn't want you to worry. I didn't want you to see me as I wrote it. And to be perfectly honest, I didn't want you to see _it_ at all."

"Why not?" She watched as he shifted and averted his eyes. Bending forward, she reached out and placed her hand on his forearm. "Jean-Luc, why not?" she asked again gently.

"I didn't want you to think less of me."

Her heart sank. Lowering herself in front of him, she grabbed both of his hands in hers. After waiting a moment to find her voice, she looked up at him with tears in her eyes.

"That could never happen. _Ever_. You're the bravest, most honorable man I've ever known, Jean-Luc Picard."

Before he could stop it, a genuine smile spread on his face. However it was short lived as his head caught up with his heart. His entire body clenched when she gave his hands a squeeze to reinforce what she'd said.

He knew she would never say anything to placate him but his fears screamed otherwise. The voice from the back of his mind yelled once again about how much he'd betrayed her trust and how much he'd taken advantage of her. After a sharp intake of breath, he stamped down the emotions and quickly decided he needed to change the subject.

"So you read it?" he asked.

"I read it," she said quietly. She looked to the side as her eyebrows drew together.

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing," she said shaking her head and looking into his eyes. Slowly, she stood and took a deep breath.

"Beverly, what's wrong?"

"I just wish I had read your report before I wrote mine. Or better yet that you had talked to me about yours." She bit her bottom lip nervously and crossed her arms in front of her body.

"Why?" he asked, his heart skipping a beat.

"Well, I wasn't aware you were leaving out parts."

"You didn't…" Jean-Luc stood straight up as his eyes popped open and his heart jumped into his throat.

"No," she said sharply immediately knowing what he was about to say. "Are you _insane_?"

He released a breath of relief. "Jesus, Beverly. Don't do that to me."

"Sorry," she mumbled. Walking back behind her desk, she lowered into her chair and started fiddling with the buttons on her terminal.

Jean-Luc watched her for a second then walked over to her. He propped his hip on her desk and crossed his arms in front of him, mimicking her stance from a moment before. "Hey," he urged soothingly as his brow crinkled into a scowl. "What just happened?"

"You'd really think I'd do that?" she asked, her tone and every feature on her face showing an exasperated hurt.

"Do what?"

"Ruin _your_ name…ruin _your_ career…whatever you think would happen if people knew you and I were…together like that." She looked away from him.

"What are you talking about?"

"Your report," she said flatly as she picked one of her instruments and turned it around in her hands.

"Beverly," he breathed, "you're going to have to help me out here. I don't understand what you're saying."

She rubbed her forehead then ran her shaky fingers through her hair. "Your report, Jean-Luc," she said, turning her now fiery eyes to his. "You left out a rather large chunk of time during your stay on Celtris III."

"You don't actually think that I should have included _that_."

"No!" she screamed as she stood. "But it would have been _accurate_ if you mentioned that we did spend an extended period of time together!" Her hand swiped across her desk in an impulsive fit of anger, knocking a few stacks of PADDs onto the floor.

Jean-Luc's face turned from a look of confusion to a look of shock.

The office door swooshed open suddenly. "Doctor Crusher?" The weak voice of a young ensign traveled through the now quieted space. "Is everything okay?" he asked. When his eye caught the captain, his face paled instantly. The young officer stood taller and cleared his throat as he waited for a response.

Beverly exhaled and nodded. "Everything's fine, ensign. Thank you."

The ensign smiled nervously then retreated back to the main room of Sickbay as fast as he could. Once the door to her office slid shut again, Beverly counted to ten slowly and took a deep breath as she briefly looked at the mess she'd made. After an annoyed shake of her head, she stepped over the scattered PADDs and paced over to one of the wall panels.

"You're angry I didn't mention that we were together in the cell."

"No I'm angry because you think I'm a fool." Her finger aggressively pressed a few buttons on the panel.

"I do _not_ think you're a fool." He stood beside her and stared at her profile. "Beverly." Grabbing her shoulders, he turned her toward him. "Please, let's be reasonable about this."

She glared at him, her lips tensed into a straight line. A few choice lines and phrases shot through her mind before she shook out of his grasp and stalked back toward her desk. For several moments she rummaged silently through the few stacks of PADDs she hadn't knocked over. Once she found what she was looking for, she marched back to where he stood.

"Here," she said, thrusting the PADD into his hands.

"What is this?" he asked tentatively as he looked down at the PADD. He held the item away from his body as if it would suddenly transform into some kind of creature and bite him.

"My report," she responded coolly. She walked back to her desk and fell into her seat. For a moment her true anxiety emerged as she fidgeted with a few things on her desk. But with a barely visible shake of her head, she re-centered herself then clasped her hands together and stared at them.

"Beverly?"

"Read it," she said quietly. After a second, she raised her eyes to look at him. "Then we'll talk." With a deep breath, she punched the button on her dormant terminal. Once it was on, she returned to her work as if nothing out of the ordinary had just happened.

Jean-Luc took a breath and looked down at the PADD in his hand. His brow furrowed. "Beverly," he sighed as he walked to her side.

"Just read it," she said harsher than she had meant.

His eyes closed as he thought about arguing with her. Dropping the PADD to his side, he stretched his neck and cleared his throat. "Very well," he said. "Are you…will you still join me for dinner tonight?"

She nodded her head in acceptance.

"My quarters? 1900 hours?"

"Okay," she said almost inaudibly.

As he made his way to the door, he nodded his head absently in thought. His mind was swarming with questions. He wondered why she had gotten so upset. He wondered why she'd just cut off the conversation so suddenly. And he wondered why it was so important for him to read her report.

He didn't understand any of it.

It seemed everything between them had lost its ease. Everything had changed. And he knew it had to be because he couldn't hold himself together…couldn't control himself in that cell on Celtris III.

His heart sank further in his chest as the door to her office swooshed open. Just as he was about to step through it he heard her voice. The sound of it immediately caused his lips to curve into a soft smile.

"Jean-Luc," the soft lilt of her voice floated toward him, "do try to get some rest."

He turned around, still smiling. "I will."

**TBC…**

…


	4. Without You

**A/N: **Okay, here's the next one. I apologize for the delay. I've changed it a bit from the original so I hope that it still makes sense. I also hope that it answers some questions and that you don't get annoyed with what I've done. Just trust me and believe me when I say I'm doing everything I do for a reason. A very, very good reason. :) Linkage:  watch?v=Kb7zhunYGik

**Disclaimer:** See chapter 1.

…

**Chapter 4: Without You**

"_Search for the answers I knew all along_

_I lost myself; We all fall down_

_Never the wiser of what I've become_

_Alone I stand a broken man_

_All I have is one last chance; I won't turn my back on you_

_Take my hand, drag me down_

_If you fall then I will too; And I can't take what's left of you_

_Sing something new; I have nothing left  
>I can't face the dark without you; There's nothing left to lose<br>The fight never ends; I can't face the dark without you…"_

_~Without You, Breaking Benjamin_

…

As his eyes reached the last word on her report, Jean-Luc sat back in his chair and gently placed the PADD down on his desk. He stared at the empty space in front of him for several seconds before he scrubbed his hands down his face. With his head in his hand, his memory replayed the events of their capture and torture.

The images were vivid enough. But that wasn't what troubled him. What troubled him more, what shrieked loudest in his mind were her words. After few moments of tortured thought he released a long sigh. He was raw. He was empty except for his scarred and aching heart.

He knew he had needed to read her report not only out of duty but out of necessity. His morbid curiosity of her treatment haunted him from the second he woke up without her. But he hadn't anticipated the reaction it would cause. He hadn't anticipated her account to be so…revealing. Sure it was enlightening; but at what cost? The emotional state it left him in and the vast array of complications it created were a much higher price than he'd planned to spend.

He looked to the report. It sat on his desk, looking so innocent. It looked nothing like the atomic bomb it held within. He shook his head. Her words had been so distant…clinical…detached. They cut at him and told him she was trying to spare them whatever slight discomfort she could by separating herself from the experience.

Usually he'd take her account at face value, accepting it and knowing that if she was deeply troubled by what happened she'd seek his comfort and understanding. But what happened between them on that planet had changed everything. And he knew better than to simply trust her lying words. He knew exactly what she was doing. She was trying to hide in them. It was a valiant effort on her part but he knew her. And he could sense her fear in pain in each and every one of them.

Retrieving the PADD, he let his eyes scan through her nightmarish fairy tale. As he reread it, he began to wonder if he'd always ignored her turmoil after a dangerous away mission because it made things easier for him or if he just noticed this time because this away mission had been much more harrowing than most. As he contemplated, he came to the conclusion that maybe he detected the lies behind her projected calm this time because he had been there with her. He knew the discrepancies. He had seen her. He had seen the wounds. And perhaps what was worse, he knew personally of what the Cardassians were truly capable.

He read then read again and again, hoping that somehow her words would magically transform into an answer. They never did which cause him to become angrier and angrier. The angrier he became the more frustrated and the more frustrated he got, the angrier he got. It was a vicious circle. What made it worse was that he wasn't sure at whom he should direct his anger. The Cardassians. Her. Or Himself.

Once the last word had been read and slightly digested for the third time, he closed his eyes and grimaced. His stomach churned and his head throbbed. Her report had managed to completely unsettle him.

As he sat behind his desk and stared at the once again abandoned PADD, surges of restlessness started to pulse through his anger and frustration. He banged his first on the top of the desk. How the hell was he supposed to rest now?

Another exasperated groan fell from his lips as he stood from his seat and began to pace. The bulk of his memories of their time together on Celtris III were still hazy. There were moments that were clear as day and moments that seemed as if he was viewing them through a blizzard. Since reading her report, he was now determined as ever to remember it…_all_ of it. As he wore a long path in the carpeting in front of his desk, bits and pieces started coming back to him as her words floated in and out of his consciousness.

Denial. He remembered her denial. She'd looked him straight in the face and lied to him. When they'd first talked in her cell she'd said she was fine and unhurt. He'd believed her. Or was it that he wanted to believe her so much that he ignored the clear contradiction her appearance made of her words.

In his heart, he knew that she was just trying to spare him the disturbing details of her torture. In a way he had been grateful for that, recognizing that he couldn't have handled knowing they had been torturing her. Now, he realized how selfish he'd been; how stupid he had been to believe that she was fine. The truth stared him straight in the face then as much as it did while he read pages upon pages of the details.

Still, it hurt him deeply to know that she deceived him about her condition. It hurt him to know that she'd suffered alone. He cursed himself. If only he'd noticed. If only he had made her let him help.

He shook his head, knowing better. She wouldn't have let him even if he had been able to help. And that possibly hurt more than anything…that she trusted him so little.

Picking up the PADD he began to reread her words once more. This time he opened himself up and let down his guard, allowing each of them to wound him as Madred and his cohorts had wounded her. Her words would stay with him forever. They would trouble him forever. As he skimmed through the section about their interaction again, question after question began to rise within him.

First and foremost he wanted to know why she had been so adamant that he read it. It hadn't done a thing to assuage the deluge of fears. It had only caused his guilt to sprout like unwanted weeds in a garden. With a long sigh, he stared at the PADD clasped in his hands.

After another hour he finally stood from his desk and tried to leave her words behind. He walked slowly to his bedroom and collapsed onto his bed. Sleep didn't claim him easily like he'd hoped. Instead he tossed and turned. Violent pictures swirled in and out of his waning consciousness. He drowned in all of those images, both real and imaginary. The dark depths of sleep had only haunted like this once before in his life. Only this time, unlike the last, he could not turn to his best friend for solace.

No more than thirty minutes passed before he woke fully with a bolt, finally surrendering to his living nightmare. Haggard and defeated, he pulled himself from sleep. He could go without it; he had before.

…

Shortly after he'd tumbled from bed, Jean-Luc found himself walking various decks of the ship. It was quiet and seemed darker than usual. It brought with it his usually much sought after solitude. Only this time that wasn't what he needed.

Before he even realized what he was doing, he was walking through the doors of Sickbay. He noticed how her eyes were immediately drawn to him as he stepped into her office and sat down. Though the blue still appeared as brilliant as ever, he noticed how exhaustion dulled their perimeter and felt completely responsible for it.

"What are you doing here?" she asked tiredly.

Her voice held just a hint of a smile. The gesture indicated there was at least a small piece of her that was happy to see him. It caused his lips to lift.

"I should ask you the same thing." He flinched slightly when he saw the flash of contempt in her eyes. "Are you still angry with me?"

She sighed deeply, something that was becoming as frequent for her as breathing or blinking. "I wasn't angry with you, Jean-Luc."

"Could have fooled me," he replied bitterly.

A small noise of exasperation floated toward him. "I'm frustrated with you." She thought for a moment then rose from her seat and walked around her desk. Sitting in the chair next to his, she spun in it so she could face him. "You must realize, Jean-Luc, that you are a _very_ stubborn person and…" She shot him an annoyed look when he chuckled. "We're not discussing me, right now," she warned, knowing exactly what he was thinking.

"Right," he said, biting his tongue to keep from saying anything further.

"I just wish you could stop blaming yourself so you can find some kind of peace with what happened."

A tense silence coated the room as each let the memory of their union replay in their heads.

"Did you read it?" she asked softly as she shifted her eyes away from him. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him nod. "What did you think?"

Shaking his head slowly he pulled his lips into a frown, knowing he couldn't talk about her torture…her pain. He was positive a discussion about it would only garner more arguments. So he chose to stay with something safer. The facts. The science.

"It helped me understand more of what was happening to me in regards to the hallucinations. The effects of the drugs," he replied then cleared his throat. "There will be a follow-up on that?"

"Yes," she replied, disappointed he chose to focus on that aspect of her report. "We're still analyzing the samples taken from you." She hesitated for a brief second before she softly added, "and me."

He smirked. "So you know Doctor Selar took blood."

"I do," she answered with a raised eyebrow and a smirk of her own. "This is _my_ Sickbay, after all." She shook her head and sighed, the small smile fading quickly. "I could have taken the sample, you know."

"I know but you were also a patient at that particular moment." He paused for a brief moment. "And I wanted you to take care of yourself first. You were hurt too."

"I know I was," she responded quietly. "But most of it was superficial."

"Don't lie to me, Beverly, I read your report," he said sternly. "Remember?" The sudden animosity toward her took him by surprise. Especially since he'd just convinced himself to stay calm and avoid mentioning her pain. He breathed out the hurt that had collected within him. "Why do you always do that?"

"Do what?" she retorted quickly.

"Downplay your injuries." He scowled. "They _beat_ you. They _tortured_ you."

"Jean-Luc…"

"Why didn't I notice that in that damned cell?" His head shook in anger. "Why didn't I try to help ease _your_ pain?"

"But you did," she said, placing her hand on his shoulder. "You eased all of it just by being there. By being alive. Don't you see that?" She looked down and pulled her bottom lip into her mouth. "I'd almost given up before I saw you standing there in my cell," she said in a quiet mumble.

His urge to rant stopped completely with her admission. "You what?" he asked as his eyebrows lifted.

"It had been over a week." She shrugged. "I thought you were dead." Her eyes slanted down, suddenly finding the nonexistent pattern in the carpet fascinating.

He watched her as she stared at the floor, his chest heaving with shame and regret. They tore through him like the beam of a phaser. Everything about the situation left him baffled – what happened…why it happened…her reactions…hisreactions. There were surprises at every corner they came to and there were so many corners if felt like they were running in circles.

For what seemed like the first time in his life, he didn't know what to do or what to say. As he looked at her, his instincts took over. Without thinking, he stood and gathered her up in his arms, pulling her tightly to his chest.

"Thank you," he whispered into her ear.

She pulled back and wiped at her eyes. "For what?" she asked in a faint murmur.

"Not giving up completely."

As more tears fell from her eyes, she collapsed back into him and held him tightly. She never wanted to let go…never wanted this moment to end. If it hadn't been for the fact that they really hadn't addressed his feelings on the matter, she would have felt the weight of a galaxy lift from her. As it was, they still had a long road ahead of them. But for now, she'd take what she could get when she could get it.

Finally pulling back, she wiped at her face again. She bent toward her desk and looked at the chronometer. After seeing the time she frowned.

"Jean-Luc, have you slept at all?" she asked with doctor-ly irritation in her voice.

"Have you?"

Beverly smirked and rolled her eyes. "Fair enough." She stood up straighter then rounded the desk. "Well," she said as she organized the PADDs on her desk, "it's not 19:00 but it's close enough. Would you like to have dinner now?"

He pulled at the bottom of his uniform top then smiled. "It would be my pleasure." He stuck out his arm and waited for her to take it.

With a slightly embarrassed grin, she approached him then looped her arm through his. "Walk me to my quarters, Captain?" she asked as they left her office.

"Of course, Doctor."

They were each laughing quietly as they left Sickbay. Neither noticed that every eye was on them.

Conversation was non-existent as they made their way to the turbolift. While the comfort of their silence hadn't fully returned, they were definitely feeling more at peace with one another. So much so that neither fidgeted as they waited to reach her deck.

When they came to her door, he paused uncomfortably. She stared at the blocked numbers then turned her eyes to him. Was she supposed to ask him to come in? Or was she supposed to say she'd meet him in his cabin in a few moments?

With a shaky breath she shifted to face him fully. "Did you want to come in and wait while I…" Her voice faded away as he leaned in and kissed her cheek. "Shower and change," she finished weakly.

"I'll give you some privacy," he said, his voice so low she had to lean into him to hear his words. "Just promise me you won't be too long."

Her cheeks flushed as he ran his fingers along her jaw. "Okay," she whispered.

Moments later, he was walking down the hall and she was left standing alone. She tilted forward and leaned her forehead against the cool surface of her door. What the hell had just happened? Earlier they had been fighting…he'd questioned her judgment…basically called her an idiot. Earlier the guilt he wore had been so intense she could practically feel it stabbing at her own heart. And now he was kissing her on the cheek and running his fingers down her face.

The man confused and infuriated her to no end. Yet she smiled despite herself because he was Jean-Luc Picard. And because she was grateful some of that damned darkness between them seemed to have lifted. But why had it, she asked herself. What had changed so suddenly?

With a loud groan, she straightened up then pressed the button to open her door. When she entered her quarters she immediately started toward the bathroom. She stripped off her uniform then showered, her mind not straying too far from their situation. Once she was finished, she stepped out and dried. Moments later she found herself standing before her closet in her towel.

There were too many options. Did she go with something safe? Or did she push the limits? For twenty minutes she stared at the contents, wondering what the hell to choose.

After checking the chronometer, she groaned again. "For Christ's sake, Beverly," she muttered out loud. "It's only Jean-Luc."

And damn if her heart didn't start racing at just the thought of him. The images of his eyes and his smiling lips flooded her with warmth. She shook her head as a laugh rumbled in her chest. The things he could do without even being in the room. She savored the feeling for a moment then with a roll of her eyes, she went back to her task.

Leaning farther into her closet, she pushed aside various pieces of clothing. Just as she was about to hit the end of the closet, she finally found something that wasn't a Starfleet uniform. She carefully pulled the item from the back and stared at it. The dress was so familiar that it seemed like she'd just worn it yesterday. But in reality she probably hadn't in what seemed like a million years. In fact the last time she wore it she was probably with him. For several seconds, she studied the garment then in a swift movement she pulled it from its hanger. The dress slipped on as smoothly as silk.

"Still fits," she said to herself with a smile as she zipped it up. Turning in front of the mirror, she checked it to make sure she looked okay then ran her hands down the soft material. After slipping on some simple flats, she took another look at herself then said, "Well here goes nothing." And with that she was out the door and heading to his quarters.

Getting to his door seemed to take less time than it usually did. Her stomach clenched with nerves. The feeling was something she wasn't accustomed to with Jean-Luc…at least not in recent years. Even though their past was full of various joinings of joys, pitfalls, and missed opportunities nothing they'd done had ever come close to what happened between them on Celtris III.

As she stood in front of his door, a sudden thought occurred to her. She didn't know if this was supposed to be just a simple dinner between friends or if it was supposed to be a date. She never thought to ask.

"Perhaps I should have," she muttered to herself. "Considering all we've been through in the last couple of weeks."

So much had changed. They'd been kidnapped and tortured. They'd kissed and fought. They'd finally done the unspeakable intimate act they'd skirted around for years.

She inhaled deeply and held it. Her apprehension collected into a knot in pit of her stomach making it ache. With a shake of her head, she exhaled her breath slowly then lifted her hand to announce her presence at his door.

…

When the sound of his door chime echoed through the room, his heart jumped. She was there. His entire face lifted with his smile.

He stood from his seat but he paused before he responded to the call. He didn't know if he was supposed to act as if this was like every other dinner they'd had or if he was supposed to go to the door and greet her…like a date. Glancing toward the table, he felt his heart rate accelerate. The intimate setting was arranged on the table, complete with tall lit candles.

The second chime was accompanied by her concerned voice. He drew in a breath and headed toward the door. "Here goes nothing," he mumbled to himself as he nervously tugged at his shirt.

Before the doors were even fully open she was already sprouting off a series of questions to him. "Jean-Luc is everything okay? Is anything wrong? Should I call someone? Are you alright?" she asked, urgently scouring his face for a cause to be concerned.

"I'm fine, Beverly," he responded as he ushered her inside. Once the doors were shut, he leaned in and kissed her cheek. "I was just preoccupied."

"Oh?" she asked, raising an eyebrow and leaning into him. "With what?" She thought she saw him blush as he moved toward his desk but she dismissed it with a shake of her head.

After giving her a small smile, Jena-Luc held out his arm and motioned for her to take a seat. She gave him a confused look as she walked over but went to him without question. Once seated, she looked up at him and waited. He propped himself on the edge of the desk then leaned over her to activate the small viewer he had set up.

"I was just looking at these," he said as a holovideo appeared.

Her mouth fell open as she bent forward and watched a figure goofing around on the beach. Her heart seemed to stall in her chest. It was Jack.

"I remember these. Oh, Jean-Luc," she said turning her head toward him. "Who is taking the video in this one?"

Without taking his eyes from the image he answered, "just watch," then pointed to the screen.

The camera shook for a second then steadied. In the matter of seconds Beverly saw a second form running toward Jack. She laughed.

"Look at all that hair," she said, in awe of the younger Jean-Luc.

His face twisted in mock annoyance. As he watched her stare at the video, he smiled at her admiration of it. After seeing her initial reaction to the video, he surmised that she probably didn't know he had it. Actually, for a time, he didn't even remember he still had it.

"When was this?" she asked as the young Jack and Jean-Luc flexed their muscles and laughed. "And what are you doing?" Her eyes misted over as she watched the images. She yearned to reach out and be able to touch them.

Jean-Luc laughed. "Just wait. You'll see."

And in a few seconds, she did indeed find out. Jack ran toward the camera. The picture swayed back and forth for a few seconds then once again was steady. Jean-Luc stood on the beach laughing and motioning. When he wasn't re-joined by his friend, he rushed forward. After a few more moments the two men pulled a third form out from behind the camera.

Beverly gasped.

It was her. Her younger form laughed and covered her face in embarrassment. The younger Jean-Luc picked up her bikini-clad body and swung her around. She shrieked then laughed hysterically. When he placed her feet in the sand, she guessed her younger counterpart made some kind of sarcastic remark then proceeded to flutter her eyelashes. She smiled brightly and looped her arms around his neck. Jean-Luc rewarded her mischief with a deep dip. For several seconds her head hug above the sand before young Jean-Luc pulled her back up.

That's when Jack stepped in. He gave Jean-Luc an angry look then gently shoved him away. For a few moments they circled each other in simulated wrestling moves. Beverly watched herself argue and give them each frustrated looks. Then she saw Jack give Jean-Luc an almost imperceptible wink. After Jean-Luc laughed, Jack rushed toward Beverly, picked her up, and threw her over his shoulder.

Beverly watched the youthful Jean-Luc as he stared at Jack throwing her former self into the waves. The two of them jovially thrashed around in the water, completely oblivious to anyone else. The last image she saw was the contemplative, almost scowl-like, look on the younger Jean-Luc's face as he turned and walked toward the camera. Then the screen went black.

The Beverly and Jean-Luc from the present sat in silence for several minutes. Beverly stood and propped herself next to Jean-Luc on the edge of his desk. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

"Thank you for showing me that," she said with a small smile. As she played the images over in her mind, she tilted her face to her friend with a mystified look. "Why _did_ you show me that, Jean-Luc?"

"After some of my hallucinations became clearer, I got nostalgic about the old days," he responded slowly. "When we got back to the ship I went through some of my old things, looking for a picture or something from that time. I needed to remember it."

"Why?"

"I don't know. But it was important." He sighed then continued his explanation. "After an hour or so of searching I found the video and a few others instead the pictures. In all honestly, I'd forgotten I still had them."

"I didn't know you had them at all."

A phantom of a grin formed on his lips. "Jack gave them to me."

She shifted her eyes to look at him. "Why?"

"I don't know."

"Jean-Luc?" She shifted to stand in front of him, crouching before him slightly so that she could look him fully in the eye.

His eyes sparked at how the movement exposed the skin of her thigh. He gulped and stared. Tentatively he reached out and placed his hand on her cheek.

"He knew I missed you."

"What?" she asked in a faint whisper.

He shrugged. "As your career took off and the Stargazer engaged in more and more missions it became harder and harder to see you. Then Wesley came around." He exhaled. His lips turned up almost sadly. "Jack got home to visit you but the summers we used to spend…well they just became fewer and fewer until they disappeared altogether."

"Jean-Luc, I never knew."

"I know. And I preferred it that way."

"I didn't. I missed you too, you know." Her brow furrowed. "I thought…I thought I'd done something wrong."

His heart sank. He dropped his hand from her face then took her hands in his and looked into her eyes. "I'm sorry. I just couldn't be around that. Around you and your happy family. It hurt."

"I had no idea, Jean-Luc."

"That's the way I wanted it, Beverly. Please don't ever think you did anything to…I just…"

"How long?"

"I don't see how that matters now," he said sadly, not needing her to clarify what she meant.

"How long?" she asked again with a pained expression.

"I had feelings for you before I even met you. From watching you from afar. I didn't know who you were the first time I saw you. But once I learned who you were and started hearing all about you…I just…" He stopped and shrugged his shoulders. Then he took what he hoped would be a calming breath and continued. "But I didn't realize I'd fallen in love with you until that first time we went to that beach." His head tilted toward the black space on his desk. "I suppose that explains my fondness for that particular beach and that particular summer."

The look on his face as he turned toward the camera at the end of the video crept into her mind. She recognized that face. He'd worn it often when he looked at her in the private moments they'd shared over the years. Sometimes he even wore it in the times that weren't private. The realization burned.

"Beverly? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," she responded with a distant look in her eyes. "I'm fine."

"You don't look fine."

"You're a very complicated man, Jean-Luc Picard. I can't tell what you're getting at with all of this." She stared at the top of the empty desk with unfocused eyes.

"What do you mean?" he asked through narrowed eyes.

"What happened?" She lifted her hands in the air in aggravation.

"What do you mean?" he asked, confused of her frustrated outburst.

"Earlier you felt so guilty you could barely function. Earlier we were arguing. And now…now I don't even know what we're doing."

"Perhaps we should talk."

She nodded her head. He stood fully and took her hand then led her to the couch. They sat next to each other, each staring straight ahead. All the tension that had faded away suddenly returned.

"We slept together," she blurted out.

His eyes shot toward her.

"I thought one of us should acknowledge it…say it out loud."

He turned and stared ahead again.

"You regret it, don't you?" she asked, not taking her eyes from him.

His hesitation brought the level of discomfort to heightening levels. She huffed out a breath and a mumbled "yeah" then moved to get up from her seat. He stopped her with a strong grip on her forearm.

"I don't," he said with no real conviction. His face turned toward her but his eyes never really made it to hers.

She scoffed and tried to move away from him.

"I don't," he said confidently. He took a deep breath. He could do this…he could let her inside his head for once. "I regret the way it happened. I wish I hadn't been drugged. I wish…I wish I hadn't taken advantage of…"

"I've told you that you didn't, Jean-Luc. How many more times will it take to convince you?" She deflated and looked him straight in the eye. "I don't want to argue about it. I'm tired of fighting."

Though he nodded his agreement, she knew that wasn't going to be the last time he brought it up. He was much too stubborn for that. For a second she contemplated bringing up the possibility of talking to Deanna together about their ordeal. But before she could say it out loud, his voice once again broke into the stillness of the room.

"Beverly, there are some things I've been meaning to tell you."

She smirked at his wording, recognizing it as the same ones she's used on him numerous times.

"I've been carrying around this guilt about your treatment and captivity on Celtris III. No matter what you or Deanna or anyone says, I will always think it my fault. I should have realized it was a trap. I should have insisted you be released. I should have…"

Her hand rested on his knee. "There's nothing you could have done differently."

"Yes, well, my mind knows that. My heart does not." His chest ached with the pain he was feeling. "There's more." He inhaled and released it slowly. "At the end. After I saw you. Madred…he threatened you."

"What do you mean? Threatened me how?"

"He told me I was strong and that he had no more reason to keep me. I was almost out the door when he mentioned you."

"Mentioned me?"

"He said that he would get what he needed from you. And when I asked what he'd done to you he said that he hadn't done anything. At least not yet. He said he was waiting to interrogate you…" He stopped and swallowed down the bile that rose in his throat. "He was waiting to interrogate you until he was finished interviewing me."

Her eyes widened. She knew what he'd done. Her hand tightened its grip on his knee. He had sacrificed himself…his freedom…for her.

"And then later, he told me the Enterprise was burning and no one would know where we were. Worf was dead. Everyone would think we died on the Enterprise with the rest of the crew. So he gave me a choice. He offered me…_us_…a life of comfort. Warm clothes. Food."

"What did you have to do?"

"There was this structure…it held four lights. He'd used it as an excuse to torture me before. And this time, like the times before, all I had to do was tell him I saw five lights. My immediate response was refusal. But I saw you…I saw them torturing you and you calling out in pain. Then I heard you tell me not to give in." He shook his head. "But I was going to…I was going to do it."

"You weren't." Her eyes held a cocktail of emotions ranging from pain to disbelief to endearment to outrage back to pain.

"Beverly," he chastised. "I couldn't let you suffer because of my pride."

Her cheeks reddened as she stared at him. Her lips formed a tight line as her mind filled with words of anger. She shook her head and stood.

He watched her as she paced back and forth. His heart beat fast and his palms sweated. He could barely make out the angry muttering that escaped past her scowling lips. Standing, he went to her and halted her movement.

"Say something."

"It's all my fault! All of it. All your pain. All your suffering. If I had just done what my Starfleet training had taught me…" She shook her head as the tears threatened to stain her face. "They wouldn't have been able to use me as leverage."

"Stop being unreasonable, Beverly."

"_Unreasonable?_" she huffed out. "I am _not_ being unreasonable." Her anger flared.

"There is no reason to argue about this," he said, his voice rising. "You said so yourself…"

"After everything that's happened…" She stopped short. Staring at him, her jaw fell open. "Oh my god." Her eyes narrowed as she regarded him. "You _do_ blame me." She gasped as the realization hit her. Seeing it in his eyes hurt more than she thought. Quickly gathering in the start of an emotional breakdown, she forced her practiced, cool façade to the forefront. "Right," she said distantly.

His jaw set when the coldness of her voice hit him. He told himself she was icing over because she still needed time to work through what he'd just told her. Hell, if he stopped for a second to think about it he'd realize he still needed time to sort through it. Everything was so messed up…so complicated. Anytime he thought he had part of it figured out she would further confuse him with her doubt.

"Perhaps until we have control of our emotional capacities we should…"

"We should _what_?" she asked, her eyes shining with something akin to fear and fury.

"Maybe we should spend some time apart. Figure things out. Deal with our…emotions."

She scoffed and shook her head. Then without another word she turned on her heel and walked toward the door.

**TBC…**

…


	5. Complicated

**A/N: **Hi, I'm Lauren and I used to write fanfic. :/ I sincerely apologize that this update has taken forever to happen. I really do. Lots of things got in the way. Real Life. WRITER'S BLOCK. Real Life. And that bitch writer's block. But I finally got down to editing the shit out of this chapter. It's on the shorter side, at least for me, but the break seemed like a natural one.Again, I am very sorry for the delay but thank you from the bottom of heart for sticking with me.

The link for Complicated by Rihanna (there's a little language in the song, just as a warning):  watch?v=fqOeiMwzS8s

**Disclaimer:** See chapter 1.

…

**Chapter 5: Complicated**

"_Why is everything with you so complicated  
>Why do you make it hard to love you<br>Oh I hate it  
>'Cause if you really wanna be alone<br>I will throw my hands up 'cause baby I tried  
>But every day with you is so complicated"<em>

_~Complicated, Rihanna_

…

Jean-Luc regretted his words and actions the second the door slid shut. He didn't know what he'd been thinking when he said it. In no way did he blame her for what happened. But, as he replayed his words in his head, he heard it. It did sound like he blamed her. He closed his eyes in defeat. His careless actions were all she needed to gather all the blame onto herself.

In reality, he hadn't wanted to spend any time away from her. He'd just wanted to take a step back for a moment; try to look logically at their situation. They'd been tempting fate by being so close to one another. And that proximity only seemed to be clouding an already convoluted situation.

As Jean-Luc pondered on his predicament, a thought struck him. Maybe he knew, subconsciously, what he said was the correct thing to do. Maybe he was right to push her away. He'd been having a difficult time since they'd returned. He couldn't think straight around her anymore. He couldn't tell dreams from reality from nightmares anymore.

He shook his head and groaned. He didn't know what he was supposed to do to make this better. Digging the heels of his hands into his eyes, he muttered his favorite curse into his chest.

…

Beverly was halfway to her quarters when her emotions finally caught up with her. She halted mid-step and closed her eyes. The angst roiled around inside her, threatening to break through the surface. Moving to the side of the hallway, she took a deep breath and leaned against the wall.

"What is happening?" she asked out loud.

Her lips fell into a frown as she realized what he'd done. He'd pushed her away. And she'd let him. With renewed determination stalking through her veins, she turned around and marched back to his cabin.

Several moments later, the chime sounded elegantly through Jean-Luc's quarters. He knew it was her. It wouldn't have been anyone else. When the chime rang again, he sighed.

"Come," he called out quietly.

Barging through the door, she started speaking before she was even fully in the room. "You convinced yourself you saw five lights," she said accusingly.

"Excuse me?" he asked, pulling his stare from the toes of his boots to her face.

Beverly paused and took a deep breath. "On Celtris," she clarified. "You said to save yourself…"

"Save _you_," he interrupted.

"Save _us_," she corrected, with a curt nod, "you said all you had to do was say you saw five lights."

Jean-Luc hesitated for half a second. "Yes."

"So you convinced yourself you had, didn't you?"

"I don't see how that has any bearing on…"

"It's important, Jean-Luc."

"Why?"

"You didn't write it in your report. Why?" Her stare was as relentless as her questions. She was determined to get the answers she needed from him. "Why, Jean-Luc?"

His silence tore at her heart, but she waited and waited…and waited. When it continued to gnaw at the tension between them, she took a shaky breath and decided to trudge forward.

"It wasn't a command decision," she said quietly. "It was personal."

"Beverly, I was going to do it to save you from imminent danger." Jean-Luc shut his eyes and tried to shake the images from his mind. "He threatened to hurt you once. I didn't doubt he'd do it again. I knew what they were capable of."

"I knew too, you know," she said, turning her eyes from him. "Did you think I wasn't strong enough?" Her brow furrowed in worry.

He felt his stomach drop to the floor. "Beverly," he said hoarsely.

"Is that why? Is that what you think of me? You think I'm weak? You thought I'd give something away?"

"No."

"Then why?" Beverly's eyes stung as she stared at her feet. "And why omit it?"

"I didn't want them to know."

"Know what?" she asked as she finally lifted her eyes to look at him.

Jean-Luc sighed. "That you're my weakness," he responded very quietly. His eyes only held hers for a moment before they dropped to the floor.

A line of worry formed between Beverly's eyes as she thought about what he'd said. "Jean-Luc, I'm," she started with an apology on the tip of her tongue. She stopped and sighed. She started again with a shrug of her shoulders, "I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do," she admitted. "All your pain…all your suffering. All the torture. It _was_ my fault."

"It wasn't your fault," he responded quickly, looking back up at her.

"No," she said, her eyes drilling into his. "It _was_. Maybe not at first but after we…" She stopped. She couldn't say it, not again. Not when he regretted their being together like he did. Not when it hurt them both so badly. "Please don't deny it, Jean-Luc. I see it in your eyes. I feel it." She shook her head and bit her lip. "I'm a doctor. I'm supposed to take away people's pain. Not cause it…and for it to be you, my best friend. I should have known better."

He stared at her, not knowing what to say.

"And I'm just…I don't know." She sighed, her shoulders falling with defeat.

His eyes held a look of shock and fear. What had he done? He'd somehow taken the most headstrong person he'd ever known and made her fragile with doubts. She no longer knew where she stood with him…where she stood with herself.

"Maybe you're right," she said faintly. Her head bowed as she waited for him to say something. When he didn't, she sighed again then left.

She didn't go back this time; she went straight to her quarters. As the door shut behind her, she made herself a promise…she made them _both_ a promise. She'd stop the hemorrhaging. For their survival, as whatever it is they might be, she'd give him the space he needed and so obviously wanted. A sob ripped through her body as she tried to imagine life without her best friend.

…

After a week and a half Beverly and Jean-Luc still hadn't spoken to each other except for a few words here and there at staff meetings. Beverly had given him the space he needed like she'd promised herself. And she sadly discovered, as time passed, just how painful the repercussions of her decision were.

Sometimes she would look at him across the conference room table and long for the days before Celtris III. She missed the ease of their friendship; the quiet, late night conversations; and despite not being a morning person, she missed their early breakfasts.

Each day without him seemed to get longer and longer.

During a particularly lingering day, two weeks since they last spoke, Beverly found herself sitting at her desk, staring at her blinking screen. The follow-up to her report was long overdue, but she couldn't seem to bring herself to write it. Somehow it didn't seem to matter much. Not in the grand scheme of things. Besides, she knew Jean-Luc wouldn't say anything about it, mostly because at the moment he was barely talking to her.

As she thought on the subject, she realized just how tired she had become with their situation. Her frustration grew the longer she thought about it. And just when she thought she would scream, a new plan suddenly emerged in her mind. After mulling over it for a few hours, she decided she would put her plan into action. She would end the stalemate between them…or at least try to.

…

At the conclusion of the next senior staff meeting, Beverly walked up to Jean-Luc confidently. It had now been exactly sixteen days, ten hours and three minutes since they last spoke and just about three weeks since they'd been home from Celtris III. Beverly stood next to his chair with her arms crossed across her body and stared at him. For several moments she watched him, without so much as a glance or sign of recognition from Jean-Luc. Finally, she stepped forward and invaded his space even more.

"We should talk," she said in a voice almost void of emotion.

He cleared his throat and continued to focus on the PADD in his hand. "About what?" he asked nonchalantly.

A breath huffed out through her mouth as she shifted from foot to foot. "My report," she said, with a brief roll of her eyes.

"I've already read your report, _Doctor_."

_Damn_, she thought. That '_Doctor_' meant he was still upset. A stab of guilt ran through her for a few seconds until her temper caught up and flared angrily. No, she reminded herself, he was the one who initiated this.

"My supplemental report, _sir_," she responded.

"I don't see why you need my input on that, Doctor. Just include what you see fit." Standing abruptly, Jean-Luc yanked at the top of his uniform then retrieved his PADD. "If there's nothing more," he said, his eyes flickering to her quickly then darting back to the table.

After two seconds he fled the room as if it were on fire, leaving her standing alone with a dull ache in her chest. When she could finally move, she stormed out of the Observation Lounge, a renewed anger brewing in her chest. She muttered to herself as she stomped toward Sickbay. On the short trip, she neither paid any attention to what she allowed to slip through her lips nor to the amount of people she encountered along the way.

…

As the doctor flew by in a haze of red fury, Deanna knew nothing good would come from it. Something new had happened between the pair, that much was clear. She stepped to the side of the hall then turned to her companion. After giving him an apologetic look, she placed her hand on his arm.

"She's not going to want to talk about it," the first officer said gravely.

"I know, but I need to try."

"Good luck," he said, placing his hand over hers for a brief moment. "You're going to need it."

After watching the counselor square her shoulders and walk determinedly after their friend, Will took a deep breath. If he had to guess a certain captain would be exhibiting similar emotions to those of the CMO. A heavy dread weighed on his heart. Then with a sigh, he started toward the Bridge, knowing it was going to be just as welcoming as Sickbay.

…

Beverly walked through the doors of Sickbay and went straight into her office without a word to anyone. Her staff watched silently then turned their worried eyes to each other. Eventually everyone's focus fell to the doctor's favorite nurse. Alyssa Ogawa sighed and held out her hands, silently accepting their request with a soft nod. She walked confidently toward her boss's door then lightly rapped on the doorframe.

"Doctor?"

Without looking up, Beverly made her desires clear. "Not now, Alyssa."

"We're concerned, sir," Alyssa continued softly, taking a few steps inside the door. "To be honest, as of late, you haven't been in a very pleasant mood after senior staff meetings and we've worked around that but…"

Beverly's head snapped up to glare at her nurse.

"But today," Alyssa trudged on, "something is clearly different." She cleared her throat. "You didn't even inquire about what happened in your absence. You stormed right in here. You're not even trying to mask your emotions. It's not like you." Sitting down, she clasped her hands together in her lap and leaned forward. "What happened?"

The doctor sighed and looked up just as Deanna walked through the door. She groaned. "Ganging up on me?" she asked.

Alyssa turned to see the counselor standing in the doorway wearing a very worried look. Deanna gave Alyssa a soft smile then walked in and sat down next to the bold nurse. Once the counselor centered herself she slowly turned her large eyes to her friend.

"We're very worried about you, Beverly," Deanna said evenly.

"There's no need for worry."

The doctor's voice held as much coldness as the icy spheres that had replaced the usually kind blue of her eyes. Each woman gave the stubborn doctor a skeptical look. Beverly sighed again then sat back in her chair.

"It's complicated," Beverly started to explain as she rubbed her temple.

The counselor and nurse remained silent as the doctor silently fought her demons.

"It's never been like this," the doctor said with defeat. "We've had disagreements before. _Hell_, we've even been held captive together before. But this…"

"You have to admit, Beverly," Deanna said lyrically, "this time was different. _Very_ different."

"I know this time was different! But he won't let me help. He won't accept that it wasn't his fault."

"It's not your fault either, Beverly," the counselor argued.

"Isn't it?" She shook her head. "If I hadn't gone back…"

"They still would have hurt him." Deanna's dark eyes probed the light blue of her friend's.

"Not as badly. They wouldn't have played that mind game with him."

"It's not your fault," Alyssa reinforced. "They hurt you as badly as they hurt him." She held up her hands. "They did, Doctor. Remember, I've seen everything."

Beverly's resolved crumbled. "I know," she said in a rough whisper.

"Then why do you hide it?" Deanna asked.

Beverly shook her head and shrugged. Then in an instant, the cool façade she'd worn of late blanketed her face. She looked up at her friends with an arctic calmness. "I suggest you two leave now," she said, taking a deep breath, "before the shit really hits the fan."

The two women looked at each other, puzzled by the sudden change in the doctor's demeanor. They stared at her for a long time, trying to figure out what her words meant. When neither woman moved, Beverly shifted in her seat and hit the button to activate her terminal.

"I don't want either of you to feel the repercussions of what I'm about to do," she said simply.

"Beverly," Deanna said with wide eyes, "what are you planning on doing?"

"I'm going to stop hiding."

She lowered her head and started typing furiously. The nurse and counselor shared another look of concern. Finally it hit them.

"Doctor, do you really…"

"Alyssa, you may return to your duties now," Beverly said interrupting. "You are dismissed."

Recognizing the tone in her boss's voice, Alyssa nodded and stood. After giving Deanna another look, she shifted on her feet. "I hope you know what you're doing," she said quietly before retreating out of the office.

"Beverly, please talk to me," the counselor pleaded.

"I'm tired of this, Deanna," the doctor responded, her fingers not faltering in their mission.

"Tired of what?"

"The back and forth," Beverly answered quickly.

"What back and forth is that?"

"Opening up…shutting out…giving…taking…the constant battle."

"Between you and the captain?"

"Yes," Beverly responded, hitting a few keys harder than she intended.

"What brought all of this on?" Deanna asked, knowing she had to keep asking questions…knowing she had to keep her friend talking or she'd never find out what was going on.

"That damn dinner!"

"What _damn_ dinner? Deanna asked with a hint of a smirk.

"The one we had right after we got back," Beverly explained. "He wanted to talk earlier that afternoon but I told him I wouldn't until he read my report. I thought he needed to know."

"Needed to know what?"

"What they had done to him with the drug. What they did to him…to me…to us."

"Why did you think he needed to know that?"

Beverly tilted her head back and stared at the ceiling. "So he would know it wasn't his fault," she finally said, still staring blankly.

"That you slept together?"

Beverly's head snapped forward. "He told you about that?" she asked, her eyes wide in shock and embarrassment.

"He didn't need to tell me that, Beverly."

Beverly's lips tightened into a straight line as she shook her head. "He thinks he took advantage of me. He thinks he forced me into it."

"Did he?"

"No!" the doctor practically screamed.

"And you thought your report would clear that up?"

"I thought it might."

"But it didn't?"

"It didn't seem like it. In fact, it seemed to have only made things worse."

"Tell me what happened at dinner?" Deanna asked softly, leaning forward.

"We didn't even have dinner. He showed me this old holovideo of us and Jack. We talked. I thought it was going alright."

"What happened?"

Beverly thought for a moment not knowing if she wanted to reveal what Jean-Luc had told her. Her brow furrowed as she remembered the moment. He'd loved her before he'd even met her.

"Beverly?"

Her eyes narrowed. "He told me about his feelings. And then everything went to hell."

"What do you mean?"

"He told me what happened on Celtris. What he didn't include in his report…about the threat and the lights."

"He told you that?" Deanna asked with a surprised look.

"Mmhmm." Beverly nodded and worriedly chewed on her bottom lip.

"And that caused more complications, didn't it?"

"Of course it did!" Beverly sat up in her chair. "How could it not? It's my fault it happened! If I had just stepped back and thought about the situation like I was trained. If I'd just acted like a CMO for one second I would have realized what was happening. Instead I let my emotions take control and got lost."

"Beverly, neither of you is going to be able to work through this or heal if you don't stop blaming yourselves."

"It's hard not to do when you hear things like what he told me."

"What happened next that evening?" Deanna prompted.

"We argued. Then he suggested we spend some time apart."

"What did you do?"

"I let my temper get the better of me."

Deanna stifled a small laugh.

"It's _not_ funny, Deanna."

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. Please continue." She crossed her arms under her chest then brought one of her hands up to cover her still smiling mouth.

"I stormed out. But I only got halfway to my quarters before I turned back."

"You went back?" The counselor's face lifted in surprise. '_Now, that is certainly unexpected_,' she thought to herself.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I needed to know."

"About why he was going to give in to Madred."

"Yes."

"What did you find out?"

"I'm his weakness."

Deanna's eyes widened. She leaned forward and tried to give the outward appearance that she was in control. Inside, she was shell-shocked. They'd opened up to each other so much already. So much more than either of them had ever opened up to anyone before and yet the situation couldn't have been going any worse.

"How did you come to this conclusion?" Deanna asked trying to smother the morbid curiosity within her.

"_His_ words," Beverly responded bitterly, waving her hand in Deanna's direction.

"How do you feel about that, Beverly?"

"I feel awful. Had I not been there he would have left. He would have been free. But instead he stayed and endured more torture."

"Beverly…"

"After that I left…for good. And we haven't really talked since. Well," she said with a deep sigh, "until after the meeting today."

"You tried to talk to him," Deanna said, not needing to ask.

"I did."

"What did you want to tell him?"

"I guess I wanted to apologize. I wanted to tell him that I missed him and that we should try to work through all these emotions…together."

"Why?"

"It's not any easier dealing with them alone. We both know what it's like. I just…I wanted to…" Beverly leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes.

"You didn't get that far, did you?"

"No," she said mournfully. "He's still very angry."

"And?"

Beverly released a humorless laugh. "And I let my temper get the better of me _again_ and resorted back to business. It wasn't well received."

"So, what are you doing?" Deanna glanced toward the terminal.

"I'm doing what I should have done in the first place."

Deanna's eyes turned to her friend's determined face. "And what is that, Beverly?"

"Ending this."

"Ending what?"

"The speculation." Her brow furrowed. "No more kid gloves."

"Beverly, you're not honestly thinking of…"

The doctor snapped her eyes toward the counselor's, her anger flaring. "You're as bad as he is," she spit out. "I'm not stupid. I would never…_never_. But there _are_ things that I left out…that I graced over in my last report that I will not in this one."

"Beverly," Deanna chastised. "You shouldn't do this while you're angry."

"I'm not losing my nerve this time, Deanna." She shook her head. "If he wants to shut me out, fine. But I won't let him ignore this."

Deanna released an uneasy sigh. This time there wasn't much the counselor could do. She knew she wouldn't be able to persuade her friend to stop and think about this. It wouldn't matter how hard she tried. She knew she wouldn't be able to get the doctor to see what this would do. The good doctor had once again let her temper get the better of her and the counselor had a very bad feeling about the outcome this burst of anger would create.

Yet, somewhere in the back of her mind she didn't want to. This could be their catalyst. And much to Deanna's surprise, Beverly was going to be brave enough to move this along. The counselor held her breath and prayed for assistance from any and all of the higher beings that may be listening. These two were definitely going to need it.

Like she'd told Will on the first day of their return, she knew in the end only time would tell what would happen – with them…with their relationship…with the constant back and forth of their cosmic dance.

**TBC…**

…


End file.
